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I’m Such A Bio Nerd-MOM Day 17

https://www.23andme.com/

This is what I want for Christmas. I want my DNA tested.

I got the idea from my AP Biology teacher, who also got her DNA tested, though it was for medical purposes because of the chance of genetic disease in her family or something. She told us about it before, and today she got the program to work on the diabolically slow computer in our classroom.

I find it funny how much we are alike. We’re both very interested in genetics-she even wanted to be a genetic counselor for awhile, and that’s one of the career choices I was considering (if being a molecular geneticist or writer doesn’t work out. Also considering forensics). We both love history and somewhat the same sense of humor. She met her African husband in high school, and dated him even though he was a “loser” and an “idiot”.

When she called him that one day during class, my boyfriend face palmed into his desk because I had just called him that. A lot of the stories she tells about her and her husband are vaguely familiar because it sounds like me and my boyfriend’s relationship. They also broke up (twice) and got back together, which happened to me and my boyfriend.

I’m very excited for next year because I’ll be taking one of her classes-Biotech and Forensics. I’m also hoping to take AP Chem, AP English, Calculus, and German IV. I will want to jump off a cliff if any of these classes conflict and I have to choose between them, which happened last year with AP World History, AP Biology and German IV (I ended up not taking German).

Today was a pretty happy day (except for that 95 I got on a presentation in pop culture, which is an unweighted class that I had a 100 in so now it’s gonna go down), so I’m going to end with a quote about happiness.

“Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn’t know you left open” (John Barrymore).  

For example, at first I wasn’t going to take AP Biology until my guidance counselor guilted me into it. It became a place where I could hang out with my boyfriend and other friends. It became my favorite class (next to English) and guided me in finding a direction for college and career.

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Month of Motivation: Day 14

I haven’t written for awhile, though that hasn’t been a completely bad thing until recently. In the first couple days of my absence from blogging, I was working towards playing soccer again: working out, going to practice, and getting all the forms and physical papers I needed. I was also cleared to play contact soccer by my orthopedic doctor yesterday morning.

However, in the past two days or so, I’ve been ignoring my self-set obligation to write because of my own personal issues with everything and life.

“Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine” (Ralph Waldo Emerson). 

This is what I am constantly afraid of.

When I go through these semi-dark states of mind, I can never tell if I have any reason to feel morose. If I come to the conclusion that I don’t, there are usually two subsequent paths my mind can take; I either realize my silliness and move on, trying to make the most of things, or I depress myself more because I’m being stupid for wallowing in self-pity.

Another alternative is simply surviving and making it through the day; my emotions have been choosing this path a lot recently. Last night I was in one of my dark states of mind and didn’t fall asleep until 1am, which is late for me. I had been despondent all day, and it only got worse when I got home. Today was one of those just-get-through-what-I-need-to-get-through days. I had sadness creeping over me every now and then, and sometimes I felt like I was on the precipice of breaking down right in the middle of school.

I got home all right though. I still don’t feel better; I’ve been having “issues” (I use quotes because I don’t wholeheartedly believe I’m right for having these issues) lately, and seemingly no one to talk to. I mean, I of course have people to talk to, but I feel terrible about it.

First, everyone else I know has problems far worse than mine, so why do I need to bother them with my petty issues when it doesn’t really matter?

Second, I don’t feel I’m worthy for someone else to help. I can’t help anyone with personal issues, not even my best friend. Last night after trying to help my friend, I talked about my teeth being sensitive to cold, and she asked if I forgot to take my mouth out of the freezer. I can’t tell if it was just her being crazy or if she meant, yanno, that I was cold, especially in how I interact and talk to people. That was pretty much the trigger for my dark thoughts. See, and she probably didn’t mean it in that way, and I still got upset.

Today in school as we were walking in the hallways, my best friend brought up how I had tried to help her the night before, by (jokingly) relating her issues to biology. My other friend said, “Why would you do that?” and I started walking faster to try to get away from them.

I’ve literally resorted to running away from my “issues”.

On a brighter note, as previously stated, I’ve decided to at least try playing soccer again. I don’t know if I will play for my high school in the fall, because I’ve got a fairly busy schedule next year, though it’s worth a shot. While I’ve been worrying about grades, another worry that I”ve kept silent from everyone else has been creeping up on me.

What if, when I’m playing soccer in the summer or fall for the high school team, I get into one of my moods (ugh I hate calling them moods but that’s what they are), and completely stop playing for a week or so, or don’t go to mandatory practices and ruin everything? I always seem to screw things up.

So, motivation for anyone out there who is still listening to my rant-don’t let yourself make your own shadows. Whenever something is upsetting you, take a step back and ponder whether it’s really worth anger and sadness. Everyone deserves some time to be miserable, but you can’t let it eat you alive. Like that one quote awhile back, take your problems and eat them for breakfast!

Now let’s see if I can even follow my own advice. It’s not that I don’t think this advice is legitimate and true, it’s just that, when it comes to stuff like this, I have a very weak constitution.

life is so hard

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Month of Motivation: Day 9

Guess what?

I’m still indecisive.

I don’t know if I’m playing soccer next year, now more so due to possible conflicts between school, soccer, volunteering, and other pursuits (including writing). Additionally, I haven’t practiced in two months and don’t want to let my team down-but I can work hard toward that. The aspect of not playing next year is a little hard to take. Hopefully going to the meeting Tuesday will help clear things up.

With so many things going through my mind, I need to remember that all of this is normal and okay. My life will undoubtedly be affected by the choice I make; however, neither choice would be terrible and would have its own benefits.

I was having a serious fit of indecision last night, and talking to my friend, for once, didn’t ease the anxiety. When I woke up this morning, I writhed in bed for a little bit, angry and confused about what I wanted to do. In the end, I looked to my board of motivation and reminded myself I needed to make myself happy.

And what made me happy at that moment was going downstairs in my cellar and working out for about an hour. It felt really good. My legs have been hurting me lately, and I thought it would make them worse, but it honestly helped. Though I began to have my doubts about seriously coming back from “oh I’m not going to play” for two or three months to complete and utter dedication.

In short, it’s still all up in the air.

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream” (C. S. Lewis)

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A Week of a Month of Motivation

Haha silly titles.

“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time” (Thomas Edison).

Woohoo I made it a week. Seven days, which used to seem to fly by, now are dragged out, prolonged by quickly vacillating emotions. Concepts that seem concrete one minute are shattered the next, and happiness sours into despondency.

But I still made it, and will not give up!

Human Beings

Humans are incredibly stupid beings.

We think grades or trophies or money or titles make a person worthy.

We give advice but don’t follow it.

We call out others for judging us while also passing judgment.

We get are sad when people get so wrapped up in their own issues they don’t notice us…and then ignore someone else in our self-pity.

We stay with someone we don’t love because it’s “not wrong” but leave the people we love because it’s “not right”.

We talk without really talking but disregard the importance of communication in relationships.

We get pissed when other people don’t respect our beliefs…they go trample on someone else’s.

We fight when it’s not worth it but give up on our dreams.

We love without loving but forget to say “I love you” when it needs to be said.

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Month of Motivation: Day 6

Yesterday I was inundated with school work  in addition to having an intense sinus headache, so I did not get the chance to write. Tomorrow I’ll be very happy because my school will have a half day for the prom.

Today I’d like to share one of the many things that put me into a good mood. In my last post, I shared the new BTR album link. I’m a silly teen girl, but they make me so happy, and I had been in a bad mood but was uplifted by listening to their songs. I figure that it doesn’t matter if others think I’m silly, because I’ll be happy, which is one of my goals for this month.

Another show that makes me happy is “Whose Line Is It Anyway?”-the old U.S. version with Drew Carey. Yes, I’m one of those downers who doesn’t believe the show will be as good without Drew. Hopefully they can prove me wrong. But currently I’m on season 2, episode 35 (I’m trying to watch all the episodes before the new one comes on).

If you haven’t watched it, you won’t find much on YouTube anymore, but if you search around the internet you should be able to find full episodes somewhere else, or at least bits and pieces. I’m going to share this clip below, which is arguably my favorite playing of my favorite game on Whose Line, which is conveniently called Whose Line. I love all the guys and girls on the show, but Colin and Ryan have incredible improv chemistry. And the game is just hilarious.

This is one of the things I can watch when I’m down and instantly feel better, or at least distract myself for a little while as I cool down. Enjoy!

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MOM Day 4-Reflections Poem

This actually occurred to me last night and the night before. I had never experienced the occurrence described in my poem, and it was pretty scary, especially the first time, which happened when I was texting in the middle of the night. On my phone, while a message is being sent, the screen turns black with the “sending” figure on it, and I could see my own eyes in the reflection of the phone. I tried not to look anymore but couldn’t catch myself a few times today, and even looking into a regular mirror showed the same gaze. It was truly chilling.

Reflections

I never completely recognized

The fear of looking into one’s own eyes

But when a mind is overshadowed by night

Reflections can render an awful fright

To see someone you do not know

Eyes  blank but full of night and woe

 Chilled, you sharply avert your gaze

Yearning for eyes once more ablaze

Petrified to behold once more

The darkness your own soul bore

Wondering whether it was really you,

Or someone-or something-completely new

One cannot help but debate

How one falls through into this state

How sunshine sustained in your crest

Was from its  home mercilessly wrest

How fear and suspicion in disguise

Have taken their hold inside your eyes

You think, “It’s unnatural, it’s utterly insane..

..circumstances must undoubtedly change”.

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