A Walk on the Beach

During my vacation with my family, we went on an early morning beach walk to watch the sun rise. It was very peaceful and was an excellent place for my thoughts to wander. We walked the length of the beach and then headed back.

On the way back to the house, I saw the pale gray-white lines of where the water had come up to in the sand. There were a couple of the right next to each other, and they sorta reminded me of paths. I wanted to take one, like the kid I am on the inside to, and walk the rest of the way balancing on that line.

But I got a sudden shock of fear because I didn’t know which one I should take. So I simply continued walking.

I compare these paths to the different roads of life. There were quite a few, all pretty close to each other. Some paths diverged into different directions, which is I think what most people picture when they think of paths and decisions.

But I also recognized that some of the paths converged, almost as frequently as they diverged, which made me feel better. I’m not quite sure why…maybe because it meant that my decisions could lead to the same place, putting less pressure on me to decide which one to take.

Then there were some paths that stood completely alone. Though they frightened me and made me very nervous, I was curious about them. What makes this path so different from the rest? What would it be like going down this path?

Then I thought about the changes I’ve made since my Euro trip, and how I’ve grown. I’ve been so worried about changing, because change can be scary. I don’t want the people I know and love to see a different person when they look at me. I want to still be me.

Then I realized that, whether we like it or not, change is a necessary part of life. Instead of denying myself change and attempting to hinder change, maybe I should just let it be. It’s not like I’m going to purposefully force myself to unnecessarily change; some things are better left alone. But I don’t want to be afraid of change anymore. Even if I do grow as a person, I will still be me.

Late Night Poetry (Part Four)

Wow, that was a long time ago, wasn’t it? It feels like forever ago when I wrote these poems. But I didn’t get the chance to post the last one before I left, so here it is…the last poem that night. It was a closer for me, and after getting this last bit out, I was able to finally fall asleep.

Goodbye

My heart will not break

when I say my last goodbye;

it will go with you.

A Paradox

Happy memories often make me sad. Every time I think of some distant experience, I always want to go back to those moments and relive them. And when I think of how great those days were, I get scared that I’m never going to have days in the future that can add up to those memories. How can I be sure that I’ll ever have as great an experience as I did in, say, Austria?

As fun as that was, I don’t want those to be the “best days of my life”, as much as I don’t want my teen and college-age years to be my “glory days”. I don’t want to have to constantly look back on those times for happiness. I don’t want to accept the idea that it’s all downhill after this. I like to think that I’m an exceptional person who has so much to look forward to, even after the fun and games have ended.

It’s not that I’m not grateful for these days, because I really am; I love being a teenager, and being over petty drama and not really knowing the kind of person that I’m going to be. I just don’t think this is the highest moment in my life. If my level of happiness in life was a graph, I’d want it to be going up and down all the time. It can’t be straight down after this.

Do people create happiness or does it just sort of come to you? I believe that you can make the most out of any situation, just by being positive, but I’m talking about the best days. Do you work for them and work for them, and then it’s like a reward? Or do they just sort of happen? In my short experience, even the most ill-prepared, uneventful days are the ones I look back on as beautiful.

Maybe I’m just a little depressed because I want to relive my experience in Europe. I’d go through all the mistakes and embarrassing moments I had, if I could relive everything exactly as it happened. But that’s not real life I guess. My time is Europe can’t be my “best days”; that can’t be the last time I ever feel that intense happiness ever again. But I guess I can really only hope that’s the truth.

Back in America

Yesterday I returned from a 2 1/2 week trip to Austria and Germany. It was definitely one of the best experiences in my life. Now that it’s over, I’m pretty sad. I just want to take every single memory I have and store it somewhere so I will always remember all the fun I had.

It’s weird being back…what was once my normal is no longer normal. My house is foreign. My dreams are still of Austria and all the trips we took, all the people there, and my state of mind is expecting us to wake up and travel for an hour or to and go see a beautiful castle or something.

Typing is awkward because the keyboards there are different, and I keep thinking of all the inside jokes we had over there, but can’t really use them because no one around me would understand. I hate explaining inside jokes because I feel like I’m betraying a secret to the rest of the world when it should stay with the few people who created it.

I felt almost like a stranger, seeing my best friends again. There are so many things I’ve experienced in Austria and Germany that I can tell them about, but they will never fully understand the weight of each experience or how hilarious each inside joke really is. I feel alone and awkward without the people who have been my roommates, my traveling companions, my friends for the past weeks. Just as I wasn’t prepared for going to Austria, I’m not ready to settle back into normal life.

I’m trying to analyze how the trip has changed me. I no longer have a germ phobia for sharing drinks and food with other people, because that’s just what they do in Austria. I now know how to maneuver an airport and generally what goes on. I understand now that if you don’t go after a guy, someone else will, and that being open and friendly can be really easy if you just be yourself.

I learned that you have to be patient and tolerate people, because sometimes there will be people in your life that constantly complain and make you angry. I’ve learned not to complain because life, every single moment,  is beautiful, and to be intensely grateful for all the experiences I’ve had. I’ve learned that things don’t always go according to plan, and even though this is annoying, it makes memories. If you aren’t having a good time, at least you are having a time.

I hope I’ve become more confident. I hope I’m more independent. I hope I haven’t changed too much but that I’ve grown into a better adult.