Past Crushes

I was just stalking some old crushes on Facebook and other social networks, and considering I have a boyfriend,  felt like maybe I shouldn’t be doing that. But then I really didn’t care.

Of course I don’t still like them, especially when I could gush (gosh I hate that word) about my boyfriend (but will instead say he is my stupidhead and I hate him). I’m perfectly happy where I am, and I don’t want-and wouldn’t want to go back-to where I was when I liked them. More importantly, I wouldn’t trade what I have now for them.

Still, why do I like to check up on them every now and then, when I’m bored or simply procrastinating? Is it because I love being in other people’s business, like when I like to wonder what each of my classmates will be doing when they get older and promise to friend as many of them as possible, if only for the purpose of stalking them later in life? Yes, I will admit it, this is a thought that has crossed my mind a few times. I hate gossiping to other people, because that’s how rumors get spread, but I like listening to people talk about themselves, so I know as much about them as I possibly can. But maybe that’s not it.

Maybe because, even though I don’t like them, I still feel some kind of connection to them, because, at one point, they were a huge part of my life-probably too big a part, but that’s besides the point. When I think about who I was when I liked them, I give a sort of half smile, sort of laughing at myself and sort of remembering. It’s interesting to see how I’ve grown, almost entirely for the better. I like remembering, even if I don’t want to go back, and remembering them leads to a million other memories that I hope I get to keep.

Because of this connection, I feel like, even though I don’t them to be happy with me, I still want them to be happy. As someone described it, a “father-like (in this case mother-like) love”. You want what is best for the person, even if you don’t want to be with them, to be the one that makes them happy. Because of this connection, you certainly don’t want them to suffer. Looking on their pages now, and seeing their cutesy pictures with their girlfriends (who are both sweet and have been loyal to them for a long, long time…even more than what most teenagers count as a long relationship,  because long relationships for us are about 5 months), doesn’t make me angry. I feel happy and usually end up smiling at the computer screen.

There is nothing in this world that would make me believe that, when you are in a relationship, you can’t care for people from your past. As significant others, we have to remember this, because I certainly am one guilty of intense jealousy. But, if a relationship is solid, and there isn’t any doubt of the love two people share, than this should not be a problem. This is one of the things I’ve slowly come to realize, from both first and second-hand experience.

I’m not one to write about teenagedom and love, but I had the sudden urge to write this, as much as I had the sudden urge to check up on my old crushes on Facebook and their other social network accounts.

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