What do you really see?

As the night drags on,

I try to determine what went wrong.

Because I don’t understand. Continue reading


Always the Simple Things

Time to be cliche again. I can’t help it sometimes.

Lately I’ve been “depressed”. I don’t want to say simply depressed because I doubt that its serious or clinical depression, it’s only been a few days, but the past few days have been pretty rough. No significant change to my life, but old problems I’ve tried to avoid have been catching up with me, and thoughts I’ve previously put to the back of my mind crept to the forefront of my consciousness once more.

It started with a dream. I dreamt I was supposed to go back to Austria, with all the same people from this summer, and words can literally not describe the joy I felt in that dream. Then, I missed the flight, and woke up. I knew it was just a dream, but I couldn’t help but allow old thoughts and fears to return to me. When I first came back from Austria, I was afraid I was never going to have an experience as great as that. I hate growing up and want to stay this age forever, because as much as I want to experience new things I cannot let the past go (easily at least).

Things just seemed to spiral after that. For about five or six days, I woke up every morning with a terrible sickness in my stomach that reminded me how seemingly pathetic my life was. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go back to soccer because I feel like I don’t fit in, and I envied my friends who had extracurricular activities where they felt they were among family. I was feeling insecure about my relationships with my family and friends, and was angry that only one could see how depressed I was (which was false, because my parents did ask me what was wrong, and my friend noticed my icky thinking face during school and looked concerned). Everything agitated me and I hated everything.

Today a few things happened. My friend took an interest in what was wrong. An assignment I wasn’t sure if I had written well was praised by my teacher-not just praised, exalted. Her exact words were “Yow!” and she asked if she could cite it for her next class. I went to an after school teacher competition and just had fun, and felt the rush of true competition, even though I wasn’t participating.

But the most important thing was coming home, where my dad was watching old vintage country music videos. Lately I’ve taken a liking to old country. The song that came on immediately was Billy Dean’s “Billy the Kid”, about missing the innocence of childhood. You would think this would deepen my depression, but it didn’t.

It made me realize that everyone goes through growing up and leaving old things behind for new adventures. Everyone loses their innocence and childhood. Everyone has to go through this, and that means I also have to. However, this means that I’m not alone, and whatever issues I have to go through, someone is always going to be there to help me, or to understand what I’m going through.

“We’re dying in America,

at the end of the millennium. 

We’re dying in America 

to come into our own. 

And when you’re dying in America,

at the end of the millenium

you’re not alone; 

I’m not alone. “

-RENT (Larson)

Top 5 Love Songs (at least out of the ones on my ipod right now)

Honorable Mention: “You’re Not Alone” by Big Time Rush.

Do not mock my inner Rusher, because a lot of their songs, such as this, are really exceptional. It probably didn’t make my top 5 because I’ve never really had a relationship that grew out of pure friendship, so I can’t totally relate. I’ve wished for this type of relationship once or thrice, because I just find it adorable: boy is there for girl, girl doesn’t realize it until later, boy and girl have happy ending. Whether or not you’ve had a relationship like that, it’s still a pleasurable thought to know there are people-friends, family, and lovers-that will never leave you alone.

Number 5: “Never Gonna Be Alone” by Nickelback.

Again, a song about never being alone, and having someone to fall back on. However, it’s more serene than Big Time Rush’s song in my opinion, and more powerful overall. The best lyrics in the song, to me at least, are “So now, as long as I can, I’m holding on with both hands”. No real explanation why, but I always seem to smile a little on the inside at that part.

Okay, the order gets really hard at this point. Depending on my mood, this is subject to change.

Number 4: “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol

At some times, this is my number one song, just because of how at peace it makes me feel. Listening to this song at any point, I just sort of close my eyes and relax. However, I’m someone who believes that even when you’re totally in love with someone, other things can be just as important. So doing “it all, everything, on our own” doesn’t appeal to me. Contrariwise, the idea of laying somewhere with someone I love and figuratively “chasing cars”, maybe listening to music, conversing or just enjoying each other’s company, is the epitome of a day well wasted.

Number 3: “Little Moments” by Brad Paisley.

The adorability in this song is just undeniable, even if you aren’t a fan of country music. It truly is the little moments that make you really fall for someone, and I’ve learned that people’s imperfections are some of the most beautiful things about them. These are the things you live and work for; we as a mass of humanity go to work every day for the sake of those vacation days spent with loved ones. The cute little things someone does makes the monotony of life bearable, sometimes even causing it to disappear.

Number 2: “I’ll Look After You” by The Fray

All of the lyrics in the song just ring so true for me. Like, this is how I want to feel when I’m with someone I love. I really don’t know how else to describe it. My favorite line would have to be “It’s always have and never hold, but you’ve begun to feel like home”.

Number 1: “Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith

Alright, call me stereotypical. This is one of the best known and loved rock ballads of all time, but maybe because it’s so powerful. Like the previous song, this is what I most desperately want in a relationship, and for years this has been designated as my wedding song (or, if I don’t feel like being stereotypical in my future, to be a song I at least dance to at my wedding). It’s just so completely perfect to sway and dream to.

Songs Relevant to Me at the Moment

Of course, just because I love songs doesn’t mean they are relevant to me at this time, though I hope they are in the future. I’m going to be a stereotypical teen girl right now, and say that Taylor Swift has pretty much described my love life in the past few years. No lie though. Especially the last two albums, I have found a situation in my life that each song fits perfectly into. It just happened; not like I’m going to lie to try to be different and deep or anything. Anyway, right now, I’m stuck on “State of Grace” and “Stay Stay Stay”.

“This is a state of grace,

this is the worthwhile fight.

Love is a ruthless game

unless you play it good and right.”