“A Permanent State of Existential Crisis”

I found this video yesterday (note: I do not approve of the use of any cursing or inappropriate language found in the video). I can definitely relate, even the crazy-colors-and-music part at the beginning  That sort of is how I feel, and I unfortunately act like I’m in a “limbo of misery” sometimes. I think I used to believe that I could follow my dreams to their entirety, but after some humbling experiences in which I realized that I wasn’t as smart and talented as I believed compared to other individuals my age, I sort of lost those dreams and figured I would settle for a less than exceptional lifestyle.

Not that I wasn’t striving to be my best; I had simply accepted that I was never going to be one of the best at what I loved, in any area, including writing or biology or German or history, which were all considerations for my future majors at the time.

My “existential crisis” began this year, a few months ago, of course when I had to decide whether or not to continue to play soccer in the high school next year. That created an additional identity crisis that caused me to rethink my entire being and realize how little I have to call my own (which is untrue, but at the time that is what I thought). Then, because I’m a junior in high school, I also have to think about where I’m going for college, what major and profession I want to pursue, yada yada yada. This all became too much for me. Like Dan, I’ve been going through the motions of which challenge am I supposed to tackle next, and haven’t really given any thought to more meaningful topics (like the rest of my life).

When he began talking about what he has been passionate about but then choosing a completely different career path, it really stood out to me, because I’ve been doing similar things with my life. I’ve been looking more toward what is good in general versus what is good for me. Instead of looking inside and trying to figure out what I wanted to do, I kept looking outside at “pointers” such as careers that pay the most money or have the greatest job growth expectations; I listened to what other people were telling me I needed to do to find a career. It’s great to get advice, but some of these people essentially told me to be realistic and not rely so much on my dreams. Which I unfortunately did.

I mean, like Dan says, these things are important too, but I wasn’t focusing on what was really important. Actually, maybe I needed to spend some time looking outside instead of in and wallowing in my existential crisis in order to come to the conclusions I have today.

But that is for another post. I love how he uses “you only live once” in the most serious terms, because honestly people annoy me when they use it to justify stupid things (I’ll admit I’ve jokingly done this). Being a biology geek, I did appreciate his biological “meaning of life”, but, again, that’s not the point for someone going through a crisis.

“Be happy”. It’s something I haven’t thought about in a long time. Honestly, for most of my junior year, making myself happy has not been on my list of things to do; and yes, I have a list. In fact, my motto has been “I’ve never heard anyone say all that hard work didn’t pay off”, and that could be true, but it has caused me to believe that if at every moment I’m doing something-anything-productive, I will achieve what I want. Which I guess has led me to metaphorically bang my head into walls. I’m going to have to try this new outlook on life and see where it leads.

The first thing I will be doing following this post will be to change the note card on my wall on which my “motto” had been displayed and changing it to one that says “Be happy”. Probably with one of these- =D – on the side.

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