I haven’t written for awhile, though that hasn’t been a completely bad thing until recently. In the first couple days of my absence from blogging, I was working towards playing soccer again: working out, going to practice, and getting all the forms and physical papers I needed. I was also cleared to play contact soccer by my orthopedic doctor yesterday morning.
However, in the past two days or so, I’ve been ignoring my self-set obligation to write because of my own personal issues with everything and life.
“Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine” (Ralph Waldo Emerson).
This is what I am constantly afraid of.
When I go through these semi-dark states of mind, I can never tell if I have any reason to feel morose. If I come to the conclusion that I don’t, there are usually two subsequent paths my mind can take; I either realize my silliness and move on, trying to make the most of things, or I depress myself more because I’m being stupid for wallowing in self-pity.
Another alternative is simply surviving and making it through the day; my emotions have been choosing this path a lot recently. Last night I was in one of my dark states of mind and didn’t fall asleep until 1am, which is late for me. I had been despondent all day, and it only got worse when I got home. Today was one of those just-get-through-what-I-need-to-get-through days. I had sadness creeping over me every now and then, and sometimes I felt like I was on the precipice of breaking down right in the middle of school.
I got home all right though. I still don’t feel better; I’ve been having “issues” (I use quotes because I don’t wholeheartedly believe I’m right for having these issues) lately, and seemingly no one to talk to. I mean, I of course have people to talk to, but I feel terrible about it.
First, everyone else I know has problems far worse than mine, so why do I need to bother them with my petty issues when it doesn’t really matter?
Second, I don’t feel I’m worthy for someone else to help. I can’t help anyone with personal issues, not even my best friend. Last night after trying to help my friend, I talked about my teeth being sensitive to cold, and she asked if I forgot to take my mouth out of the freezer. I can’t tell if it was just her being crazy or if she meant, yanno, that I was cold, especially in how I interact and talk to people. That was pretty much the trigger for my dark thoughts. See, and she probably didn’t mean it in that way, and I still got upset.
Today in school as we were walking in the hallways, my best friend brought up how I had tried to help her the night before, by (jokingly) relating her issues to biology. My other friend said, “Why would you do that?” and I started walking faster to try to get away from them.
I’ve literally resorted to running away from my “issues”.
On a brighter note, as previously stated, I’ve decided to at least try playing soccer again. I don’t know if I will play for my high school in the fall, because I’ve got a fairly busy schedule next year, though it’s worth a shot. While I’ve been worrying about grades, another worry that I”ve kept silent from everyone else has been creeping up on me.
What if, when I’m playing soccer in the summer or fall for the high school team, I get into one of my moods (ugh I hate calling them moods but that’s what they are), and completely stop playing for a week or so, or don’t go to mandatory practices and ruin everything? I always seem to screw things up.
So, motivation for anyone out there who is still listening to my rant-don’t let yourself make your own shadows. Whenever something is upsetting you, take a step back and ponder whether it’s really worth anger and sadness. Everyone deserves some time to be miserable, but you can’t let it eat you alive. Like that one quote awhile back, take your problems and eat them for breakfast!
Now let’s see if I can even follow my own advice. It’s not that I don’t think this advice is legitimate and true, it’s just that, when it comes to stuff like this, I have a very weak constitution.