Anyway, today I’m going to share a poem I wrote when I was feeling very, very sad. I was afraid to share it before because I don’t want anyone worrying, but reading it again sort of motivates me not to get back to that place. It’s pretty depressing and could be what I’ve learned from tumblr is called “triggering”, so you do not have to read it.
I actually wrote it as sort of a journal entry, so here goes nothing. I’m not particularly afraid of sharing it, though I am a bit nervous.
June 17, 2013 around 9:15pm
Self esteem is like a perpetual elevator for me. My levels of self worth fluctuate what seems like daily, going up then down, down a little more, then up again. Maybe sometimes the elevator gets stuck at a level for a bit, whether high or low, but it always returns to endless up-and-down-ing.
Don’t try to talk sense into me
It’s an impossible task.
Please don’t, you’ll unnerve me,
I won’t get it done fast.
I’m worthless as a human being,
Sure, smart, athletic, interesting.
But in the most important aspect
I’m inevitably failing.
I’m worthless to my fellow beings,
I cannot help them at all.
While they’re always there for me
I can’t help them when they fall.
So the basis of all relationships
Between lovers and family and friends
Is a concept I cannot grasp
And there’s no way I can pretend.
So please, you have to understand
You’ve done nothing wrong;
The problem, you see, is me
The problem I’m about to solve.