This past week has been really sucky for me mood-wise. Whereas I usually have only a day or two of feeling depressed and unmotivated, this entire past week-from the evening of Friday the 13th to I guess now still-has been consistently morose.
I credit a part of this to the fact that I have yet another injury plaguing my attempts to become a better soccer player and obtain some playing time in the Varsity games. So far I’ve only have five minutes in one game, and in another the team was very below our level so we took an early lead and all the subs got to go in for the majority of the game.
But my back has been bothering me. The pain is on the lower right side, sort of also at the top of my butt muscle. It started hurting at Friday’s practice, and has been bothering me ever since. I played during practice Saturday, Monday, a warm up for a game I did not play in on Tuesday and the game I played a lot in on Wednesday. I technically can run and kick, but I physically cannot sprint at 100%, which upsets me because, especially in games, I don’t want to let my team down.
I also started getting upset because I thought my coach wouldn’t recognize my injury and conclude I was simply not working hard enough and being lazy, which is the opposite of what I want to do. That’s one of my only real strengths on the soccer field-working hard, and recovering. And I’ve been working on communication because I’m very quiet.
So during Thursday’s practice I told coach my back hurt, and because I had never experienced this type of pain before, she wanted me to see our athletic trainer. One question she asked surprised me; she inquired if I had been under more stress than usual lately, and I began to wonder if it had anything to do with my undiagnosed depression.
He told me to ice and rest and see how the next day-a game went. However, I knew I wouldn’t be able to play to my potential and so I told the coach during the warm up that my back hurt, and so I sat out that game. When I saw the athletic trainer again he condemned me to sit out Friday’s and Saturday’s practice, which meant I couldn’t go on the infamous Varsity 5 mile run, which I was legitimately sad about. It’s like a only-Varsity thing that I have never been a part of, and that I was looking forward to being able to recall and say “yes, I did that”.
So while sitting in practice, I get this terrible feeling of guilt. Why does this always happen to me? Why am I the one sitting out all the time? Why doesn’t my body work the way everyone else’s does? Why can’t I handle playing soccer? Am I being a baby?
I understand that it shouldn’t be my fault, but sometimes it could be. Sometimes injuries come from not stretching or not being physically fit enough. Whenever people ask me about my back now, I’m ashamed and bashful. Like, “Please don’t look at me, I’m sorry I’m hurt”.