Bad Thoughts

It’s ten past midnight and I am supposed to go to soccer practice around 8am. But I went to our high school football game tonight and felt excluded, sad, and worried about my little sister. I came home and was overwhelmed by a wave of unanticipated depression. My boyfriend stopped texting, right when I needed someone to talk to, and I couldn’t muster the will to speak to anyone else, even my psychologist who told me I should text her if I start to think about suicide.

Which I did.

While driving my boyfriend and little sister home from the football game, I thought about how I could kill myself by crashing my car. Of course, I knew I would never-and could never-crash while they were in the car. And I’m too afraid to wonder if I would have done it if no one had been there to silently and unknowingly change my mind.

So I spent time on Facebook, then triggered myself more by scrolling through everything on Tumblr with the tag “depression”. Please never do this to yourself. Then I of course listened to Demons by Imagine Dragons, which describes a lot of what I’ve been feeling. And I cried a lot. And felt worthless. And felt alone. I desperately don’t want to die, but sometimes I feel like I don’t have the strength to continue living. I just want everything to stop, or at least stop hurting.

Then I googled something about suicide and found this comment on a forum under the question “what is the best way to kill myself?”:

There is no reason people should be forced to live when their lives are miserable and they want an exit.
Why would a stranger have to be so selfish to deny someone the right to leave this place? 

And this killed me, because it just doesn’t seem right. Isn’t this like giving up? Like if a doctor were to say, “oh, you have cancer, there’s no reason we should try to help you”.

I just needed to release some of these thoughts, and I would very much like other people to comment on the italicized text above. Because I really don’t know what to think about it. To me at least, it feels terribly wrong.

Because I don’t want someone to leave me the right to leave.

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