No, this is not some deep psychological or personality-related question, or even self-loathing. I’m just seriously asking, what exactly is physically wrong with my brain?
So far I have received few answers. My therapist believes my depression is genetic, not situational (which we both thought at first), but naturally I doubt this because I do not have any concrete evidence and often wonder how I could possibly be depressed when I have so many wonderful things in my life.
In response to my therapist’s theory, she suggested a low dose of antidepressants again, and I obliged willingly. My mother, who may not completely understand depression and is considerably against antidepressants (while they do not frighten me, I know they scare the life out of her), took some persuasion. Somehow my therapist convinced her to look into a psychiatrist and possibly schedule an appointment.
Then, my therapist thinks I might have seasonal affective disorder, which I am not so sure about. In previous years I have never noticed being sadder during the winter months; notwithstanding this, my therapist also suggested I get a full spectrum lamp/light bulb which would combat SAD (pretty ironic, that acronym, eh?).
If that was not enough, she also believes my sadness could be related to those “female hormones” and “that time of the month” because just before “that time” I usually get a tad more depressed than normal. I think.
I also think I have some symptoms of BPD and Bipolar disorder, but self-diagnosal is not effective, so I will keep my mouth shut on those two.
Unfortunately depression is one of these diseases that are quite arbitrary in the process of discovering what is really wrong. I suppose I should just sit back and enjoy these multiple doctor visits because many people do not have the opportunity or support required to seek answers.