March 27th, 2014

Good Things I’ve Done Today:

  • Showered
  • Finished reading King Lear for AP English
  • Finished the calculus homework for today’s class-and actually understood it
  • Played with my dog Demon outside for a half an hour
  • Drove myself to my therapist’s office
  • Confronted my ex over an issues that was driving me crazy (resolved fairly quickly)
  • Did not lie to my friends and told them why I was not in school today
  • Took my Primrose capsule, which I have been effectively neglecting

Not-so-good Things I’ve Done Today:

  • Lied and told my mom I was sick and wanted to stay home from school
  • Skipped school because last night I was really depressed and did not complete my homework; I decided last night not to go to school today even though I knew I should, considering I’ve missed (counting today) 3 days of school in two weeks. It may not seem like a lot, but German IV requires practice with communication, which I cannot do at home, and Calculus is certifiably kicking my butt right now. You’re crazy to miss a bunch of days of AP English, and trying to learn AP Chemistry using only a PowerPoint is pretty difficult.
  • Lied to my therapist about how much I’ve been communicating with my ex.

The past three days have been absolutely horrendous. I have experienced a decrease in my constitution, and feel it is worthless to try at all. It’s not just a lack of motivation in my classes; this sense of pointlessness has creeped into every aspect of my life, from talking to my friends to writing about my day and mood. I feel intense hopelessness and view the world as an atrocity within itself.

I’m anxious and downright impatient waiting for college admissions letters. I’ve noticed when people ask me what I plan to do with my degree-because now the question is not only this college/major or that one, it’s planning out post-college plans and an actual career-I have no response. Sometimes I really do not see where I fit in the world, especially in this depressive moods when nothing really excites me.

My pattern in mood seems to be as follows:

  • Three-Four days of depression
  • A day or two of happiness and motivation, at the end of which I experience intense anxiety.
  • Repeat

This is more of a journal entry than anything else…for some reason I included a lot of bullet lists. They’re just so easy to utilize to organize thoughts, yanno?


Take Me Or Leave Me

Well,  all my fellow seniors out there, this is it. Unless you have applied to an exceptionally cruel college which will relay your admissions decision after April 1st, this is the week we find out whether we’ve been accepted to all of our schools or not. It’s been an excruciatingly painful wait. Perhaps sharing an anecdote will pass the time.

About two weeks ago, I received an email from The College of New Jersey, one of the schools I applied to. They conveyed their Biology program, which I had applied for, had received so many applications and had become so competitive the acceptance rate would fall under 20%-a big deal, considering the college’s overall acceptance rate is about 40%. The email stated I could still be admitted into the Biology program, but because this was unlikely, they were giving me the chance to apply through a different major.

Excuse me?

Because this is just who I am, I immediately began to freak out. How could I not be accepted to TCNJ, which was one of my lower, back-up schools? How could I ever expect to be accepted to any of my other schools if I was no accepted there (this was before I had received my phenomenal acceptance and financial aid deal from Gettysburg College)?

Luckily I did not irrationally lash out, but rather looked at the facts. Were there any other biological majors offered at TCNJ I would be interested in? Nope. Were there any other majors I would be interested in pursuing? Again, that was  a big no. I have considered English or German as a major, but my first choice has always been biology. Additionally, if I were to be accepted through another major program and find out, maybe a semester through college, I really want to pursue biology, it would be very difficult-perhaps impossible-to switch into the Biology program. I’ve decided it will be much easier to switch out of a science major than to switch into one, and continue to stand by this precept.

So what is a moderately successful adolescent to do?

Absolutely nothing.

Why should I have to change who I am in order to get into a college? Who are they to tell me that I have an “unlikely chance” of squeezing into their Biology Program? I mean, I guess they do have the right, being the admissions department of the college (duh), but the point is why have we (meaning my peers, other high school seniors) spent our entire lives padding our resume’s and studying for classes only to be told we are not good enough?

There is so much pressure on teenagers to make themselves as appealing as possible for colleges, not to mention scholarships or special interdisciplinary or educational programs. You not only require good to exceptional grades, but you need to be dedicated to two or three extracurricular activities at the very least. Oh, you should probably perform community service a few hours a week too, because that’s important. And because we all need money, maybe you should try getting a job, because that looks good on resumes too. If you want to even be competitive at high-level schools, you better have joined a few summer programs related to your intended major, or at least attended one of those phoney (oops, did I say that out loud?) leadership camps.

Needless to say, I am not different from thousands of teenagers every year who follow the prescribed formula to success-an equation that supposedly ends with the same result every single time, acceptance to a top notch college or university. It has taken me this long to realize the ridiculousness of this path.

Consider how many students have “exaggerated” their involvement in certain clubs on their college applications because there’s so much pressure to involved in anything and everything that says “wow, look, he/she/it is a really good student!”. How many students have become involved in an activity they aren’t really enthusiastic about because it looks good on your resume? I’m definitely guilty of the latter.

When it comes down to this point in your high school career-waiting for college acceptance letters-you realize how much of your future rests in the hands of the admissions office. Sure, you could have done A or B differently, applied for this summer program or joined this club. But it really depends on whether they like you or not.

Really? My supposed “entire future” is based on whether or not a few adults think I’m swell?

As aforementioned, it has taken me this long-only about four years, if you only want to count high school-to realize it’s “take me or leave me”. Take me for who I am, or just let me be. My future college choice may be in someone else’s hands, but my future success is entirely dependent on myself. There are so many things I am and will be capable of that I don’t even know about right now. I am not defined by which colleges I am accepted to attend; if they do not want me, well, that’s their loss. They will either take me or leave me.

And I’ve finally come to terms with that.

First Day of Spring Rant

I’ve been looking forward to this day for so long, and it has not disappointed me.

First, notwithstanding weather does not comply to man’s designations of when seasons start and end, the coming of spring means snow is (or soon will be) long gone. How long has it been since we’ve had wonderful weather? That means I can start reading my assignments outside and running around the park by my house instead of on the treadmill in my basement where spiders can attack me. Furthermore, if I indeed have Seasonal Affective Disorder, my literal winter blues should start to wear off. Though I have experienced depression in the midst of summer and fall, I’m still hopeful.

Other than being the first day of spring, today was a phenomenal day. My internet was down last night, which almost caused me to go insane. My mind was not sound yesterevening, and I usually employ YouTube Videos in order to distract my madness and sadness; videos also help me fall asleep. I had no clue when it would boot back up, so when I returned home from school and found it working again, I was ecstatic.

I also received an acceptance to Gettysburg College-with a full ride! Gettysburg was not my top choice, but it’s a great school, and I have been to the area before-it’s in the middle of nowhere, but I prefer the countryside and it’s quite picturesque.

On a more morose note, my mommom’s (dad’s mom, my grandmother) funeral was yesterday. She died from a blood clot on her heart on Friday. I’ve found that I deal with grief through distracting myself, so the days subsequent to her death were spent doing anything except thinking about losing her. Whenever I attempted to process her death, my mind either shut down or switched to a different topic. I finally experienced a release of emotion during the mass (meaning I cried a lot). It was good for me. I’ve finally begun to accept her passing, though I’m sure the full impact of her death will not register until I begin to notice her absence from family functions, especially with my 18th birthday just around the corner.

During the funeral service yesterday, I was pleasantly surprised by the amount of people who came-I was quite touched  when my dads coworkers drove an hour or more from North Jersey to see her, simply because of the respect they have for my father. The rest of the day was spent at a luncheon with family and friends, which was splendid-I love spending time with them.

Have a wonderful first day of spring, and enjoy the entire spring season!


I’m starting to realize I only reblog things I want to see again (because when I’m bored I apparently look through my old blog posts?). This is definitely something I will want to read again (and again…and again).

A is for

Rhythm Rhythm

This world it’s got a
funny sort of beat
not really yet a tune it
worked its way inside
of me

Pounding primal thuds
and high barely heard
majestic sort of melodies

it’s not worth its weight
in sound unless we
tune it into songs of
who we want
to be

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A Pro of Breaking Up

It’s been a little over a month since my ex and I broke up. I would like to  report a full recovery, but this of course is not the case. I’ve thought about him almost every day, and recently there have been some pretty bad nights. Additionally, I’m not quite sure how to equate the break-up into discerning my levels of depression; I cannot decipher if my depression is making the break-up more difficult or if the break-up is making my depression worse. Or maybe both.

However, I have recently noticed how the break-up has helped me become closer to my friends (again). When I was still dating my ex, he was usually the first person I turned to whenever I had an issue  because I knew he would text back immediately. Now that I am dedicated to establishing (and enforcing) that post-breakup “space”, I find myself incessantly turning to my other friends for help. I am also spending more time with them, in and out of school, which has breached the distance between us.

For example, today in my lunch/lab technician period I was able to enjoy a 30+ minute conversation with my best friend about, among other things, the couples in her stories and our multiple OTPs (which of course destroys the purpose of a “ONE true pair”, but that hasn’t stopped anyone else). Last night we texted for about two hours, and we plan to take her prom dress shopping  (hopefully with our other friend) this weekend.

I still miss conversing with my ex, and will be grateful when, after the pain has waned, I can talk to him again. However, I am thoroughly enjoying my restored closeness with my best friends, and really hope they sense it too. I also hope they realize how sorry I am that while going out with my ex we were not as close as we should have been.

Lenten Progress Report: Well, I caved, and I am quite disappointed in myself. Though I did not venture into the depths of Tumblr, I listened and sang various songs which perpetuate my bad mood. However, I will not be discouraged and remember God love sinners, and I can redeem myself.

Another bad religious joke (courtesy of my little sister): Hey, do you wanna build an ark. I know-a (Noah) guy.

Summer Job Dilemma

The summer job-an important aspect of one’s adolescence which provides experience for future jobs, another activity to report on college applications, and of course, a way to earn a little extra cash for the school year (in my case, college). However, in preparing for my summer job this year I’ve been presented with a dilemma that confounds me.

Last year I worked for my school district’s paint crew, which was a really sweet gig-the teacher running it wasn’t ridiculously strict, I got a chance to hang out with my friends, and was paid a little over minimum wage. Additionally, if I were to work there again this year, I would get paid more for being a second-year painter, and even more if I were a paint crew leader (in charge of a small group, sort of like an assistant manager).

Withal, I may have screwed up that “sweet gig” last year. At the end of summer, I was struggling immensely with my depression (I hadn’t yet talked to my parents about it, so I was not seeing a therapist). The last three days of paint crew, I was depressed because I had to tell the manager I would not be able to go to paint crew anymore because soccer was starting (I thought I had not given him enough forewarning, and was anxious and stressing out about it), so I just stayed home. I literally texted the manager that I could not go, giving no explanation as to why, and never showed up again.

I feel this might have some effect on if I’m hired again this year. He actually called me a week later to ask if I was okay, to “check up on me” (did he suspect something was wrong?) and tell me my check for the previous week would be available at the Board of Education office. 

I feel like I might be able to acquire another job, but I really have no clue. I have no clue where I could work, and am painstakingly awkward and don’t know how to go about asking for a job application and interview. I understand how difficult it is to find a job, especially as a teenager in tough economic conditions.

Another opportunity for a summer job was presented through my aunt, who told me her aunt’s friend is looking for a babysitter during the summer. This would only be three days out of the week, so it might be difficult for me to find another job considering I would have to inform them I am unavailable three days out of the week. I do not know how to be a babysitter, and am nervous to accept the job.

I really don’t know if I should wait to see if I can get into the paint crew, but by then the babysitter job will probably be filled by another person. I have mused the idea of emailing the paint crew manager to a) explain why I was absent those last few days, because I was struggling with depression, b) ask about my chances in getting on paint crew and if paint crew will even run again (so far I haven’t heard anything, but I don’t remember when I applied last year), or both. Though now that I think about it, perhaps discussing my depression is too personal and would offset my chances for employment even more.

Perhaps a pros and cons list will help me make a decision?

Ugh. I hate dilemma’s so much. They are not very good for someone as indecisive as me, and it always seems no matter what I do I end up looking back on my decision with some form of regret. If anyone has any advice for me, it would be appreciated a lot!