March 27th, 2014

Good Things I’ve Done Today:

  • Showered
  • Finished reading King Lear for AP English
  • Finished the calculus homework for today’s class-and actually understood it
  • Played with my dog Demon outside for a half an hour
  • Drove myself to my therapist’s office
  • Confronted my ex over an issues that was driving me crazy (resolved fairly quickly)
  • Did not lie to my friends and told them why I was not in school today
  • Took my Primrose capsule, which I have been effectively neglecting

Not-so-good Things I’ve Done Today:

  • Lied and told my mom I was sick and wanted to stay home from school
  • Skipped school because last night I was really depressed and did not complete my homework; I decided last night not to go to school today even though I knew I should, considering I’ve missed (counting today) 3 days of school in two weeks. It may not seem like a lot, but German IV requires practice with communication, which I cannot do at home, and Calculus is certifiably kicking my butt right now. You’re crazy to miss a bunch of days of AP English, and trying to learn AP Chemistry using only a PowerPoint is pretty difficult.
  • Lied to my therapist about how much I’ve been communicating with my ex.

The past three days have been absolutely horrendous. I have experienced a decrease in my constitution, and feel it is worthless to try at all. It’s not just a lack of motivation in my classes; this sense of pointlessness has creeped into every aspect of my life, from talking to my friends to writing about my day and mood. I feel intense hopelessness and view the world as an atrocity within itself.

I’m anxious and downright impatient waiting for college admissions letters. I’ve noticed when people ask me what I plan to do with my degree-because now the question is not only this college/major or that one, it’s planning out post-college plans and an actual career-I have no response. Sometimes I really do not see where I fit in the world, especially in this depressive moods when nothing really excites me.

My pattern in mood seems to be as follows:

  • Three-Four days of depression
  • A day or two of happiness and motivation, at the end of which I experience intense anxiety.
  • Repeat

This is more of a journal entry than anything else…for some reason I included a lot of bullet lists. They’re just so easy to utilize to organize thoughts, yanno?

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