I have never been one to write heat-of-the-moment anything: no crazy Facebook statuses about an ex or backstabbing friend, no personal Tumblr posts other than what I have shared on here (which have been carefully edited and looked over, written in a state of calm thoughtfulness). Sometimes I text sort of heat-of-the-moment, but only to my two best friends and/or ex. So sharing a depressive, momentary flash of emotions with the random public is not something I have ever really done before.
In the past week or so, I felt I have not done anything right whatsoever. I have suffered through my own mistakes and procrastination. I have been extra anxious about going places and doing different tasks for school, college or my summer job. I have been relying heavily on my mother’s assistance, and because I have been so anxious and depressed I have begun to take my bad feelings out on her, being mean even when she is trying to help. One night I overheard her frustredly complaining to my father how stressed she is between my issues and her own, partially contributing her high blood pressure to all the stress.
I instantly felt terrible, and wrote the following on Tumblr: “i hate posts about depression that include people talking about how shitty their parents are and thats why they’re depressed because they do not feed my depression. I am not the victim, I am the problem. I take everything out on the people who love me and hurting them because it makes me feel better. I’m a terrible daughter, sister, friend. I’m surprised my parents haven’t had heart attacks from dealing with me. Maybe soon.”
A part of me almost values this transitory snapshot. It’s raw, emotional, and as much “me” as these posts that I write with a calm mind. Is there a reason I should not be posting these things? If they were about a specific person, yeah maybe. It would be an innapropriate way to deal with the situation, and issues are best dealt with through direct conversation. But these were just emotions concerning myself that I decided to express in an unedited fashion.
Is there something wrong with that?
Perhaps I should be discussing these feelings with someone rather than posting them on Tumblr (yanno, direct conversation to solve problems), but the whole cause of my depression was due to feeling like I was putting all of my issues on someone else. I suppose I could have called or texted my therapist (because that’s her job), but it was too late at night.
Or maybe we have, as a society, decided that rash displays of feeling are negative. Most people view those types of Facebook statuses as ridiculous, and some bold people even comment on said statuses and convey their derogatory opinion on emotion-sharing on social media. If you feel something negative, you are told to keep it between yourself and whomever it may concern. However, when it comes to depression, you may be the only one who is involved in the war in your mind (directly at least). So perhaps we are conditioned to bottle these emotions inside of us and not share it with others, let alone those who vaguely follow our daily lives through social media.
Am I digging too deeply into this?