It was really refreshing to wake up this morning unreasonably happy; no thoughts about anything in particular, except trying to remember the dreams I had last night. I walked over to turn my air conditioner off, and when I got to the window to turn the dial to the “Off” position, I wondered why I was so happy. It wasn’t even the kind of happy you experience on your best day with friends, or the jubilant relief that accompanies realizing a gnawing worry is resolved. It was, in the only way I can think to describe it, ignorant bliss (Clichés-1, Wiggygirl-0). I wasn’t sure why I was happy, but I was obviously enjoying it. Honestly, I have not felt that happy in weeks or months. Months. That’s a long time to not experience an emotion, let alone a fantastic one. This realization made me wonder how long it would be until I felt this strange elation again. After a few weeks of believing my depression was actually going away, I was hit by an especially depressive mood at the beginning of this week; unfortunately, I have to wonder if I brought it on myself. I had been sick after coming home from vacation at the beach, and through a mixture of not really wanting to go to work and guilt of probably spreading germs to my coworkers, I coerced myself to take Monday off. I texted my boss that morning and he told me it was fine if I didn’t come into work, and to inform him when I would be able to come back in (have I mentioned my boss is really chill?). Monday was spent sleeping a lot, browsing a variety of sites on my computer, maybe a little reading….nothing too productive, because I was attempting to relax and “get better”. However, as the day progressed and I knew I would have to go back to work the next day, I started feeling unmotivated, though not quite depressed yet. Since my boss hadn’t said “see you tomorrow”, rather telling me to contact him when I was feeling better, why shouldn’t I take another day off? Though I told myself I would see how I felt in the morning, I knew in the back of my mind my decision had already been made. Not wanting to tell my mom I was taking another day off, I decided I would wake up normal time and pretend I was going to work. I drove to the park behind my house to chill and listen to music/my anxiety tape while I waited for all my coworkers and mother to get off the roads. Then, I spent three hours driving around South Jersey with no actual destination in mind. I love driving, but this wasn’t supposed to be a leisurely escapade through main streets and lonely roads. This was foreshadowing for the lowest low I’ve felt in awhile. Flashback to last summer, when my depression went along unnoticed and untreated. I was so afraid and anxious to tell my boss that once soccer started I would not be able to work, I decided I simply would not, and instead texted him two days in a row saying I would not be coming to work that day. No explanations or excuses; I just would not be working, and in my last text I told him I would not come in again because soccer would be starting. Minus the vague text messages, I did the same thing I did this past Tuesday; I pretended to go to work but instead drove around aimlessly. When I told my best friend about what had occurred, she completely brushed it off. She didn’t get it. This was what I did when I was very depressed. I know now after talking to her she was trying to help by distracting me and discussing other topics, but I had to tell her this was not how to help me. I don’t know about other people, but when I am really depressed or upset about something, I don’t want people to distract me immediately. I don’t even necessarily want advice. What I really need and covet is sympathy and someone who will tell me it’s okay that I’m upset. I really would like someone who will ask questions; this will either show they are interested in what’s going on or it will help me look at the issue and work through it. After a similar conversation with my ex/guy friend, my depression became severe, and I’ve unfortunately spent the past few days feeling alone and melancholy. I barely talked to my friends and spent a lot of time inside my room, traversing the dark regions of Tumblr and listening to music that makes me sad. I excessively and genuinely cried for the first time in awhile. Luckily I conversed with my friends and therapist about this issue and, after this wonderful morning, am starting to feel sort of normal again. Though I know this intense change of mood is fleeting, I have some sense of hope for future happiness.
Spending four days at Wildwood with my two best friends was absolutely wonderful, and now it’s time to return to reality. Throughout these four glorious days, I acquired:
- A black t-shirt that has the German emblem and “German” written on it in gold, black and red.
- A Germany jersey (I’m a sucker when it comes to Germany. I’ve decided that after I graduate from college I’m going to travel to Germany so I can be there during the next World Cup).
- A pound of fudge for my family.
- A necklace with “ACP”, which stands for “Awesome Cool People”, the club my best friends and I created when we first met in 6th grade, engraved on a charm.
- A sore throat, nausea, and mucus-filled eyes. Not sure why my body decided to get sick on the second to last day.
- Deep fried Oreos (I’m sure they’re still swimming around in my stomach somewhere).
- Some sunburn, though my friend got the worst burns on the first day; only the spots I lotioned for her, her back and shoulders, remained unscathed.
- Rad vacation memories unblemished by alcohol or drugs.
- A few selfies and pictures my friend took.
- A CD of road trip music from my friend, who let me keep it after we came home.
- Four books: Great Expectations, Dubliners, The Portable Shakespeare, and the Diary of A Young Girl. Yes, my friends and I managed to find the ONLY book store on the boardwalk and proceeded to rampage through it.
The post-vacation depression from this adventure is likely to be severe, so I am going to do my best to keep myself preoccupied, which will hopefully include more frequent posting and writing.
It has been over two years since I started this blog in my Internet and Web Page Design class. So, I’m going to do what I did on my one year blogging anniversary (blogiversary?), relating 33 ways I have changed/33 things I have done in the past year.
1. I have engaged in therapy to treat depression and anxiety.
2. I have become, not of my own will, single again.
Wow I kind of started off really depressing. I promise it will not all be that bad!
3. I attended my first All Time Low Concert, which was friggin awesome. I started listening to more alternative/alternative rock music.
4. I won a $2,500 four-year scholarship from my dad’s union.
5. I got my first summer job, which was painting buildings for the town’s school district. Basically our paint crew went to different schools and repainted hallways, rooms, cafeterias, gyms, parking lots, etc. It was a really great job, 40 hours a week, and a little bit over minimum wage. This year if I do it again I’ll be paid even more!
6. I survived AP English. That is a huge accomplishment. Not only that, but I improved my writing skills tremendously.
7. I applied to seven different colleges: I was not accepted to Dartmouth College or Johns Hopkins University (woah big surprise there), but was accepted to the University of Rochester, Gettysburg College, The College of New Jersey, Pittsburgh University, and Arcadia University.
8. We attempted to visit TCNJ but I was having an emotional low and my stomach felt bad (which could have been a side effect of the emotional low), so we ended up driving up there, driving around the campus, and coming home. We also visited Gettysburg where I got a fantastic feeling, and the University of Rochester, where I had thought I would be attending but when I got there the feeling was not right.
9. Ultimately, I decided to accept admission to Gettysburg College, and am extremely pleased with my decision.
10. I “played” soccer on the Varsity squad; in reality I was a benchwarmer, and soccer made me feel inferior and terrible about myself almost every day, so I am quite happy I will not have to deal with that pressure and negativity anymore. It was not the other players who were negative at all-they were all fantastic-it was just my own low self esteem causing itself to sink lower.
11. I received 1,000 Places to See Before You Die and have made it a life goal to visit as many of these places as possible.
12. I have gotten addicted to gaming videos on YouTube, and regularly follow everyone in Smosh Games. I have also begun watching Achievement Hunter, including Red vs. Blue. I am currently about to start the fifth season.
13. I have also become obsessed with vlogs, some of them including WatchUsLiveandStuff and MostlyMelanie, to the point where during my day I narrate my life as if I am doing a vlog. I have been considering how I would feel vlogging versus blogging. Should I try it? I do not know if I have the right presentation skills or technology, but maybe I can upgrade my camera before college and try it.
14. I survived 18 years on this planet. That also means I upgraded my license and can drive more than one person at a time.
15. For the NHS induction ceremony this year, the teacher I nominated to speak at the ceremony, my AP English teacher, was chosen. Subsequently, I was given the opportunity to write an introduction for her and speak at the ceremony, which made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside because she is such an important mentor for me.
16. I lost my Mommom (my dad’s mom), which has been a complicated and very sad experience.
17. My ex and I came this close to winning our last Science League competition. We were only 8 points, or two questions, behind the dominant school at these competitions, and our two schools had essentially slaughtered everyone else. It was a fantastic way to end one of my favorite extracurricular activities.
18. I felt lonely, unmotivated, hateful, sad and a conglomeration of other negative emotions. I have essentially become a pessimist, which is a bit ironic or funny or whatever because I used to be the most optimistic person I knew.
19. I became a lab tech for my Chemistry teacher. Though most of the work she has given us has been menial, and the fact people always ask my ex for assistance makes me jealous still, I have thoroughly enjoyed the experience and how chill it is to hang out with the two Chemistry teachers during my SRE and lunch.
20. I saw Frozen, which was really personal for me because of the depression and anxiety Elsa experiences. We also blame Disney for promoting Frozen so much they decided to control the weather and make it the snowiest winter we’ve had in years.
21. Other than on this blog and my sister blog on Tumblr, I still do not share my writing pieces with other people. However, I have given my best friends and my ex (well, when we were together) permission to view my blog.
22. I took German IV (finally), and am so excited to pursue German as a minor in college.
23. I came this close to passing a 2100 on my SATs, but I think a 2090 excellent. Yeah this part of the list is pretty arrogant, but considering how low my self-esteem is, I hope you all will forgive it. Even though it is a worthless number that in no way gauges how smart you really are.
24. I did not attend the senior trip because my two friends did not go; I was not as upset as I thought I would be. I will get to Disney World…eventually.
25. I have decided, for the moment, I want to major in Biochemistry and Molecular Biology while minoring in German; I could possibly add a minor in Neuroscience or English.
26. I have been expanding my comfort zone as far as food goes. Previously I have been a picky eater, but I have been trying new foods whenever I get the chance, worrying most of my family to the point that they will put a hand to my forehead to see if I am feverish.
27. I unfortunately engaged in self-harm, though I have been cut-free for months now. I think that deserves a =).
28. I tried to start learning for the knowledge instead of the grade, and to ingrain information in my mind for long-term learning rather than the short-term, forget-about-it-after-the-test thing I have been doing for most of my academic life. AP Chemistry made this sentiment a lot harder.
29. I attended Black and Gold Night, in which the entire high school is separated by last name and the Black and Gold teams duke it out, first in study hall activities like Pictionary and Wii Bowling, and then on Black and Gold Night, where they have a lot of spirit and athletic competitions. And, for the first time in YEARS, Gold Team (my team) won.
30. We successfully pranked my AP English teacher on April Fool’s Day and made her believe none of us had done our homework. It was one of the most amusing events I have ever witnessed.
31. I started watching Attack on Titan. I am not sure if I am in love with it yet (I have only seen the first three episodes), but I really want to find it subbed instead of dubbed, which is all I can seem to find. I abhor dubbed; it feels weird watching anime without the emotion of the original voice actors. Plus dramatic statements in English just sound awkward to me.
32. I ate at Panera for the first time ever, and have discovered their magical macaroni and cheese. Seriously, the best macaroni and cheese I have ever had. The macaroni, which I think is just spaghetti shells, is soft and the cheese is so gooey, a small cup of that with a piece of bread is enough dinner for me (but then again, I like eating multiple small meals).
33. Though my friends circle has, I suppose, shrunk a little, I still have the best friends in the world and love them dearly. For example, I was emotionally distraught this morning and just laid around the house all day. After telling them what was wrong, they came home over my house for a quick visit to hug me and tell me I’m perfect. They are the reason I have the energy to finish this blog (and hopefully complete other tasks throughout the day).
Well, that is probably the longest list I have written in awhile, so thank you if you actually read through all of it! Happy two years, Just Me and My Thoughts, and here’s to another year of blogging awesomeness!
I have returned from another long break from blogging, which occurred due to
- deadlines for financial aid stuff for college
- lots of schoolwork-now I have four actual classes with actual homework and which actually require studying
- my poetry explication for AP English, which is worth THREE TEST GRADES, was due on Monday, March 3rd. Two weeks before this was due, I actually started doing research for my poem and realized I could not find enough literary criticism to write a successful paper, so I had to pick a new poem and restart my research
- and, of course, gosh darned depression.
Lately I have been feeling lonelier than usual due to my break-up with my boyfriend, but “Gonna Get Over You” by Sara Bareilles, featured in my last or second to last post, is still helping me a lot.
Just out of curiosity I looked up how long it takes for you to get over a relationship, and according to relationship experts, it usually takes about half as long as the relationship lasted to heal completely. For me, that means 8 months (we were together for about 16 months), which seems like a very long time. I suppose the emphasis there is on “completely”. Slowly but surely one gets over a relationship, though minute, lingering feelings could remain months after the break-up. However, by that time most of the pain should be gone.
This is the month the rest of my college acceptance/rejection letters should be coming in, though Johns Hopkins University will not contact me until March 28th (so far away!). I will be impatiently waiting and checking the mail every day as soon as I get home until I know where I have been accepted and can start making some really big decisions.
My poetry explication was a great distraction from my depression-try hard mode had been engaged-but now I need to start motivating myself once more. Hopefully part of that motivation will include frequent blog posts, which is a sentiment I always sing of but never really deliver on. Eh, no harm in trying again.
While I’m avoiding my English essay and Chemistry homework, I’ve decided to talk about a few things that make me want to punch people in the face.
Aren’t I a wonderful human being? I’m realizing I could probably think of a lot, but these are the main four (in no particular order) that really seem to not only crawl beneath my skin but create completely irrational anger within me.
1) When people do not know general geography.
Now, I’m not an expert in geography, and I don’t expect people to know where insignificant cities or countries are located; however, I do not understand why so many people act like they’ve never seen a map before. For example, while we were still in middle school, my best friend thought Spain was in Mexico.
My one friend just laughed when she said this, but I completely freaked out (it was somewhat uncalled for). I suppose I have to blame American schools systems (maybe not all of them, but many of the ones I am familiar with) for not spending more time studying geography. Granted, many things are more useful, important, and require high-level thinking rather than memorization, and who wants to memorize a map when they can look everything up on their phone?
Still, doesn’t anyone else think we should have some basic knowledge of where things are? I’d think that would be important. Wouldn’t it be offensive to someone from Spain to ask them what it’s like to live in Mexico? Either you offend them or they just think you’re an idiot.
2) People who do not respect the opinions of others.
I will admit that, on most subjects, I’ve grown to not be very opinionated, because I clearly see the pros and cons of each side. Besides, most things in life that people fight over are completely subjective, such as which music is best. However, I wish more people would be at least respectful when voicing their thoughts.
One sore subject between myself and another student whom I don’t see much of anymore is religion. He is an atheist and I’m Catholic, and when I told him this he decided that it was appropriate to bring it up EVERY single time I talked to him. I didn’t even try to fight it; I just smiled and nodded or tried to joke whenever he started ranting, but though I think I kept pretty cool on the surface, inside I was ready to smash my AP Biology book (which has to weigh at least 10 pounds) across his head.
Please just chill, okay? I don’t mind when people have different beliefs than me (in any subject, not just religion), and I know some people like to argue. But if the other person isn’t actually debating back, why do you feel the need to attack their beliefs?
3) Judging others.
This is a pretty common pet peeve, but everyone still does it. I know, I’ve done it before. However, I have a very specific version of this pet peeve. I abhor when people judge each other while in church.
(Time to be all Catholic on everyone…sort of).
When you are in church, you are essentially in God’s house. God does not want you to judge or hate others or stare maliciously at them while they file into your pew ten minutes late for Mass. You don’t know what’s going on in their life. Since I’ve been depressed, that old saying, that you should be kind to everyone because you don’t know what they are dealing with, has really sunk in. That person could have had to drag themselves out of bed, mustering some sort of motivation to get to Mass. They could have depression, social anxiety, or have just lost a loved one. You just don’t know.
4) Perfect people.
Have you ever met someone who seems so ridiculously smart, athletic, talented, pretty, well-spoken and friendly that it cannot be real? Those people make me want to ram my head into a wall. Some people I can deal with, especially if they are unconditionally nice-then it’s okay for them to be perfect. But when I know that this girl or guy is mean and/or condescending, I can’t help but be irritated and angry.
Condescending. I love that word. I know some people like that, and I hate it. Especially when everyone else seems to love that person, and I can only ask myself why they do not see how absolutely condescending they are, like other people (usually me) are below them.
Considering what I just wrote for number 3, I am a complete hypocrite. I have been trying to control this burning anger at so-called “perfect people” because, in reality, neither they nor their lives are perfect.
Anyone else have pet peeves like mine? Maybe?
Instead of making a single New Year’s Resolution, I like to make a list of goals for the new year.
1) Read 25 books by the end of the year. That gives me a span of about 2 books a month, but I like the number 25 better than 24 (for some reason).
2) Visit 12 of the places from my book 1,000 Places To See Before You Die. I got it for Christmas and the idea of attempting to complete this massive list completely enthralls me. I’ve been to a few already, which is pretty cool.
3) Get a job .
4) Maintain all A’s.
5) Continue to blog and write regularly.
6) Memorize Hamlet’s To Be or Not To Be soliloquy, both the more popular Folio version and the First Quarto version. I personally don’t like the Second Quarto one, so I’m choosing not to memorize that one.
7) Hold an end-of-school-year and/or end-of-summer camp out with my closest friends in my backyard.
8) Go to Wildwood with my friends over the summer-without parents. My mom already said she might allow this, because we have a family friend who has a house there, but in the quieter area of town. My friends and I are all goody-two-shoes and responsible so this doesn’t worry me too much.
9) Exercise at least 5 times a week.
10) Learn to straighten my hair. Yes, I am a high school senior who does not know how to straighten her hair. I’ve never really cared about it, my hair is naturally pretty straight or I just put it up in a ponytail, and my mom was always willing to do it for me on the rare occasions I wanted to straighten it.
11) Upload all my pictures from my camera and start actually using it. If I only I could find that cord…
So those are the not-so-deep goals for the year, and most of them are quantitative. Now for the most important goal.
12) Be happy.
This includes learning to live with the depression I’ve been dealing with. It also includes doing what I want to do, not what people expect of me. This means not being afraid to do activities or new things simply because I’m afraid of what other people will think of me. It means I start to learn about what I personally want from life, and work from there.
Happy 2014 everyone!
So today was my very last first day of high school. Essentially, my first day of senior year.
Driving to school was pretty cool, though when I walked out into the parking lot after school there were so many cars and people that it was a little overwhelming. It’s fun blasting music with my sister in the morning though.
All my classes are amazing, with the exception of gym, which is average at the worst.
My best friend is in my lunch, study hall, and three of my four classes. My other best friend has one class and then lunch with me. Me and my boyfriend don’t have any classes together, though we do have lunch and study hall together. He’s probably going to be lab teching, which i was also considering doing. Essentially as a lab tech you do menial labor for the science teachers, but I figured it would look good on a college app since I’m planning on going into biology.
My teachers are all fantastic. My Anatomy and Physiology teacher is hilarious, and my gym teacher is the nicer of the senior gym teachers. My AP English teacher was my English teacher last year, and though she demands a lot of us, she is phenomenal. AP English, the class I’ve been looking forward to since freshman year, is made better with her presence. My AP Chem teacher is really chill.
I felt like I was actually close to people too. I’ve had issues with loneliness, but I felt pretty much at home strolling through the crowded hallways. I visited and had conversations with old teachers and friends I hadn’t seen over the summer, and it was really nice.
So I’m very optimistic for this year. There’s a lot to do, but I’m going to work my hardest and make the most of the single year I have left in high school. It’s starting to sink in that I’m a senior (finally).
Alright, I better go start that 2 hour homework assignment our AP English teacher already gave us…we are supposed to expect this every night, which is really going to suck while I still have soccer. I really wanted to do this blog post though.
Good luck to everyone else starting school, and especially to my fellow seniors and freshman like my little sister.
If I seemingly disappear, blame AP English!