Spring Nostalgia

As a student of AP English Literature and Composition, I have a fairly good grasp on what symbols generally mean. Water means cleansing. Light represents truth and enlightenment, while dark is the opposite. Spring usually symbolizes rebirth, or the beginning of a new life, attitude, etc. This is usually  a happy symbol, and associated with new growth, flowers, sunlight, and other natural elements.

Nonetheless, I have become cognizant of an annual spring nostalgia that plagues me and deepens my depression and anxiety. It’s almost similar to the affects of Seasonal Affective Disorder-just a different season. I suppose nostalgia isn’t quite the right word, unless you say I’m nostalgic about events that are current.

As the months left before summer dwindle, I become aware of the looming end of school. This year, the end is much more permanent for me, considering I’ll be leaving for college in the fall. I am a very sentimental, thoughtful person, and the end of anything renders my heart heavy. The whole concept of time and never returning to past events baffles me. It also makes me sad, and these feelings are particularly amplified at this time during the year.

One could argue this whole “nostalgia” I experience is ridiculous and I need to get over my sentimental values and just live my life. Notwithstanding I know that’s what I should be doing, the inevitable end of a chapter in my life, no matter how small, sets off immense nostalgia that I cannot discard.

Perhaps I just have issues committing myself to anything.  I think a large part of it involves the fact I do not want to lose my feeling of choice. In high school, so they say, your world is wide open-you do not have to worry about what you’re doing for the rest of your life. You don’t know what college you will attend, what major you will pursue, what your career will be. You don’t have to worry about the real world, and contently consume yourself in the microcosm of your home town.

Now, as a senior, I’m making decisions that could affect my entire life. Maybe they won’t affect me too much, and they probably won’t change my life for the worse, but they will most definitely shape my future. That’s some pretty intense power right there. How do I know I’m making the right decision?

Moreover, I like the feeling of being wide open-the sky’s the limit, right? I could be whatever I want to be. But now I’m expected to become what I have always wanted to be, except I’ve never had a clear-cut image of my future self. It was too much fun imagining all of the different people I could transform into.

In the end, a choice has to be made. But the thing about making a choice is, once you’ve made your decision, you concede your ability to choose.

That’s hecka scary.

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Month of Motivation: Day 9

Guess what?

I’m still indecisive.

I don’t know if I’m playing soccer next year, now more so due to possible conflicts between school, soccer, volunteering, and other pursuits (including writing). Additionally, I haven’t practiced in two months and don’t want to let my team down-but I can work hard toward that. The aspect of not playing next year is a little hard to take. Hopefully going to the meeting Tuesday will help clear things up.

With so many things going through my mind, I need to remember that all of this is normal and okay. My life will undoubtedly be affected by the choice I make; however, neither choice would be terrible and would have its own benefits.

I was having a serious fit of indecision last night, and talking to my friend, for once, didn’t ease the anxiety. When I woke up this morning, I writhed in bed for a little bit, angry and confused about what I wanted to do. In the end, I looked to my board of motivation and reminded myself I needed to make myself happy.

And what made me happy at that moment was going downstairs in my cellar and working out for about an hour. It felt really good. My legs have been hurting me lately, and I thought it would make them worse, but it honestly helped. Though I began to have my doubts about seriously coming back from “oh I’m not going to play” for two or three months to complete and utter dedication.

In short, it’s still all up in the air.

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream” (C. S. Lewis)

Month of Motivation: Day 1

This idea came from my friend who writes  another blog on tumblr about living with and overcoming a compulsive disorder she has (being as unspecific as possible so she doesn’t yell at me for talking about her). On her blog, she had a week of motivation, in which she posted motivational quotes, tips, etc.

Because I’ve been so unmotivated lately, I’ve decided that this is going to be my month of motivation, in order to get myself back on track and more involved in various old and new activities. I’ll try to post my progress every day or so.

Today’s Motivational Quote: “Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it’s always your choice” (Wayne Dyer).  

Apart from those who suffer from depression, in which choosing to motivate yourself is truly a trial, this quote holds true for everyone. (I feel like I’m always writing disclaimer notes. Huh). I’ve been miserable lately, and though it’s totally human to feel bad every now and then, no one deserves to be continually despondent. I have to learn to control my feelings and deal with my petty issues, or else they become overwhelming and seemingly impossible to overcome.

So, for this month, I choose to be motivated and happy.

I wonder how long this will last. Just kidding, I WILL make it last.

Also, I’ve started my own tumblr blog, where I will be pretty much just copying and pasting my blogs. I don’t know why I’d make the two any different, I just want to see if it helps more people see my blog. It’s like an experiment. Here’s my new (not really) blog: madamewigglymon.tumblr.com 

Yes that is the name I’m using.