It was really refreshing to wake up this morning unreasonably happy; no thoughts about anything in particular, except trying to remember the dreams I had last night. I walked over to turn my air conditioner off, and when I got to the window to turn the dial to the “Off” position, I wondered why I was so happy. It wasn’t even the kind of happy you experience on your best day with friends, or the jubilant relief that accompanies realizing a gnawing worry is resolved. It was, in the only way I can think to describe it, ignorant bliss (Clichés-1, Wiggygirl-0). I wasn’t sure why I was happy, but I was obviously enjoying it. Honestly, I have not felt that happy in weeks or months. Months. That’s a long time to not experience an emotion, let alone a fantastic one. This realization made me wonder how long it would be until I felt this strange elation again. After a few weeks of believing my depression was actually going away, I was hit by an especially depressive mood at the beginning of this week; unfortunately, I have to wonder if I brought it on myself. I had been sick after coming home from vacation at the beach, and through a mixture of not really wanting to go to work and guilt of probably spreading germs to my coworkers, I coerced myself to take Monday off. I texted my boss that morning and he told me it was fine if I didn’t come into work, and to inform him when I would be able to come back in (have I mentioned my boss is really chill?). Monday was spent sleeping a lot, browsing a variety of sites on my computer, maybe a little reading….nothing too productive, because I was attempting to relax and “get better”. However, as the day progressed and I knew I would have to go back to work the next day, I started feeling unmotivated, though not quite depressed yet. Since my boss hadn’t said “see you tomorrow”, rather telling me to contact him when I was feeling better, why shouldn’t I take another day off? Though I told myself I would see how I felt in the morning, I knew in the back of my mind my decision had already been made. Not wanting to tell my mom I was taking another day off, I decided I would wake up normal time and pretend I was going to work. I drove to the park behind my house to chill and listen to music/my anxiety tape while I waited for all my coworkers and mother to get off the roads. Then, I spent three hours driving around South Jersey with no actual destination in mind. I love driving, but this wasn’t supposed to be a leisurely escapade through main streets and lonely roads. This was foreshadowing for the lowest low I’ve felt in awhile. Flashback to last summer, when my depression went along unnoticed and untreated. I was so afraid and anxious to tell my boss that once soccer started I would not be able to work, I decided I simply would not, and instead texted him two days in a row saying I would not be coming to work that day. No explanations or excuses; I just would not be working, and in my last text I told him I would not come in again because soccer would be starting. Minus the vague text messages, I did the same thing I did this past Tuesday; I pretended to go to work but instead drove around aimlessly. When I told my best friend about what had occurred, she completely brushed it off. She didn’t get it. This was what I did when I was very depressed. I know now after talking to her she was trying to help by distracting me and discussing other topics, but I had to tell her this was not how to help me. I don’t know about other people, but when I am really depressed or upset about something, I don’t want people to distract me immediately. I don’t even necessarily want advice. What I really need and covet is sympathy and someone who will tell me it’s okay that I’m upset. I really would like someone who will ask questions; this will either show they are interested in what’s going on or it will help me look at the issue and work through it. After a similar conversation with my ex/guy friend, my depression became severe, and I’ve unfortunately spent the past few days feeling alone and melancholy. I barely talked to my friends and spent a lot of time inside my room, traversing the dark regions of Tumblr and listening to music that makes me sad. I excessively and genuinely cried for the first time in awhile. Luckily I conversed with my friends and therapist about this issue and, after this wonderful morning, am starting to feel sort of normal again. Though I know this intense change of mood is fleeting, I have some sense of hope for future happiness.
I’ve been looking forward to this day for so long, and it has not disappointed me.
First, notwithstanding weather does not comply to man’s designations of when seasons start and end, the coming of spring means snow is (or soon will be) long gone. How long has it been since we’ve had wonderful weather? That means I can start reading my assignments outside and running around the park by my house instead of on the treadmill in my basement where spiders can attack me. Furthermore, if I indeed have Seasonal Affective Disorder, my literal winter blues should start to wear off. Though I have experienced depression in the midst of summer and fall, I’m still hopeful.
Other than being the first day of spring, today was a phenomenal day. My internet was down last night, which almost caused me to go insane. My mind was not sound yesterevening, and I usually employ YouTube Videos in order to distract my madness and sadness; videos also help me fall asleep. I had no clue when it would boot back up, so when I returned home from school and found it working again, I was ecstatic.
I also received an acceptance to Gettysburg College-with a full ride! Gettysburg was not my top choice, but it’s a great school, and I have been to the area before-it’s in the middle of nowhere, but I prefer the countryside and it’s quite picturesque.
On a more morose note, my mommom’s (dad’s mom, my grandmother) funeral was yesterday. She died from a blood clot on her heart on Friday. I’ve found that I deal with grief through distracting myself, so the days subsequent to her death were spent doing anything except thinking about losing her. Whenever I attempted to process her death, my mind either shut down or switched to a different topic. I finally experienced a release of emotion during the mass (meaning I cried a lot). It was good for me. I’ve finally begun to accept her passing, though I’m sure the full impact of her death will not register until I begin to notice her absence from family functions, especially with my 18th birthday just around the corner.
During the funeral service yesterday, I was pleasantly surprised by the amount of people who came-I was quite touched when my dads coworkers drove an hour or more from North Jersey to see her, simply because of the respect they have for my father. The rest of the day was spent at a luncheon with family and friends, which was splendid-I love spending time with them.
Have a wonderful first day of spring, and enjoy the entire spring season!
I haven’t been very motivated to write much lately, and when I am the creative impulse never seems to spark. However, today I managed to write something I feel is good enough (and by that I mean awful) to share. Because this was only written an hour or so ago, there will be plenty of editing as time passes on. For now, enjoy, and comment editorially if you can! Aaand because I am terrible with technology and can never seem to get the stanza’s separated, I used asterisks to mark where stanzas begin/end.
Where is it?
Where did it
a churning mind.
Man delights me not
and Himmel neither.
It’s all insipid