Doomed to Mediocrity

If most of the world is doomed to mediocrity, why am I having such a hard time accepting my fate?

“But, you’re not mediocre, you’re basically the most awesome person in the whole world!” Nope. Falsch. And I confirmed this is untrue by going through my best friend’s birthday present to me. She generated a list of 18 reasons why I am fantastic; only three of them were actually true.

Yesterday my ex boyfriend texted me to say “I’ll be moving in sooner than I expected” or something like that. When I asked why, he replied he was given the opportunity to engage in research at his University before he even steps into a college class in a program that is usually only for college juniors and seniors. He apparently sent an email about the technology or research programs at his college to the head of his department, who then recommended him to the dean of the school, who then placed him into this program.

And I’m just sitting here thinking how I cannot even motivate myself to do my simple German homework until 5am the day it’s due. I’m not dumb, but I’m not naturally-gifted-smart either. Review tests are catastrophic because, even though this year I was attempting to do so, I cannot retain any knowledge. I’m trying to learn for the knowledge, not the grade, but it’s not working. I cannot compare to people like him.

I used to think I could accomplish whatever I wanted through sheer determination. But with my motivation slipping away, I have nothing. There will be no Johns Hopkins Graduate school in the future. No becoming a molecular geneticist/researcher and achieving great things. I am mediocre. But I cannot let go of this ridiculous fantasies. Why can’t I just accept my fate?


Feeling Optimistic

I’ve started “applying” to colleges. By “applying” I mean looking over the applications, glancing in terror at the essays I’m expected to write, and calling it a day. Someone told me that though college essays seem really daunting at first, you just need to read the prompt and, through the course of every day living, you’ll get an idea.

And guess what-it worked! And who knew that discussing how The Stranger resembles Bohemian Rhapsody with my friend at the beach and this blog would help me with my essays! So for all my fellow college-appliers out there, take the advice I was given, and simply relax-it will all come together. You know, just don’t completely procrastinate.

One of my applications has a sort of short answer section. For one question, you have to pick a novel and explain why you would be excited to discuss that book with a classmate if accepted. That’s where The Stranger and all its intrigue comes in. Personally, I think it’s creative my friend and I (well, mostly me) connected The Stranger to Bohemian Rhapsody, so I figure that is worth mentioning.

Another question for the same college asks each applicant to recount a time when they stood up against something that angered them. Since I’m somewhat afraid of direct confrontation, I thought I would never be able to recall such an event. However, don’t I rant all the time on this blog? That certainly demonstrates me expressing outrage over something and attempting to spread my opinion into the online community.

I mean…right? One of the reasons I’m throwing this out there is to see if one of you takes the time to comment and tell me my ideas are terrible (or good. That would be nice).

Thankfully I’ve got quite some time before these applications have to be finalized, though I wanted to get a nice jump on things. After September 9th, I’ll be swamped between schoolwork and soccer until early November, so expect fewer blog posts around that time.

I probably won’t go Early Decision on any school-even if it would give me an extra advantage. I’m too indecisive and if a college won’t accept me in Regular Decision, I will use my talents elsewhere (insert sassy snap here).

There are quite a few colleges I’m planning on applying to. Johns Hopkins University is probably my top choice, though Dartmouth, Wake Forest University, and University of Rochester are close behind. Of course, there’s that dream of going to Princeton, so I might as well apply there too. I’ll also be applying to some in-state places such as TCNJ and Rutgers. I’m additionally considering Gettysburg College, University of Pittsburgh, and Arcadia.

Hmm so I’ve still got some cutting back to do. All in good time I suppose.

End of Month of Motivation

Yeah, it’s July now. This month has seemed to both drag on and speed by. Paradoxical.

But the month of motivation, looking back, was really good for me. Coming onto my blog and trying to be positive instead of miserably ranting helped improve my mood on a day-to-day basis. I won’t continue it, though I’ll try to remember my goal to be happy.

I had a really scary dream two nights ago. I was in my AP World History class, and for some reason (you know how dream logic goes) I was supposed to write something on the wall. Maybe the influence came from working on paint crew. Anyway, I completely screwed it up. I got so upset and angry at myself that I started scratching at my wrists with my uneven nails; I bite them so they’re pretty terrible.

I woke up and had to check my wrists to make sure I didn’t actually start clawing at them. I didn’t know if I should tell anyone about the dream, but I told my boyfriend and two best friends, hoping they wouldn’t worry. Luckily none of them seemed-emphasis on the word seemed-to be too concerned, though I was grateful they listened to me. They’ve all had to deal with a lot of ranting and issues lately, and I love them for being so patient with me.

I guess that’s all for today. Bis Spater!

A Week of a Month of Motivation

Haha silly titles.

“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time” (Thomas Edison).

Woohoo I made it a week. Seven days, which used to seem to fly by, now are dragged out, prolonged by quickly vacillating emotions. Concepts that seem concrete one minute are shattered the next, and happiness sours into despondency.

But I still made it, and will not give up!

Human Beings

Humans are incredibly stupid beings.

We think grades or trophies or money or titles make a person worthy.

We give advice but don’t follow it.

We call out others for judging us while also passing judgment.

We get are sad when people get so wrapped up in their own issues they don’t notice us…and then ignore someone else in our self-pity.

We stay with someone we don’t love because it’s “not wrong” but leave the people we love because it’s “not right”.

We talk without really talking but disregard the importance of communication in relationships.

We get pissed when other people don’t respect our beliefs…they go trample on someone else’s.

We fight when it’s not worth it but give up on our dreams.

We love without loving but forget to say “I love you” when it needs to be said.

The Chase

I remember faintly,

like the whispers of a dream,

the days when I pulled you close

and you never once let go.


But I need to feel wanted,

To know that you still care;

through unfortunate events

my welcome seemed to pass.


I should have let you know

I’m the kind of person who

wants others to ask me stay

whenever I try to pull away.


And you seemed to notice this before

and even when I faltered

you never once broke your firm hold

even when I acted cold.


but recently

as I’ve fallen sadder and sadder

you’ve seemingly suddenly forgot

our bond without a second thought.


I must ask more of you:

Please tell me if I’m at fault.

reveal what I’ve done wrong

disclose what’s going on.


I’m afraid to let you go

because I truly care

and I’d gladly chase after you

if you chase after me too.

“I am alive. I am a human with a life. I only have one life and then I die and stop existing. You are an independent mind in this universe that could do anything and everything they want to have ever dreamed of and there’s no point of being alive if you’re not going to do it. “

-danisnotonfire, “Meaning of Life” video

Man I’m Depressing

“A Permanent State of Existential Crisis”

I found this video yesterday (note: I do not approve of the use of any cursing or inappropriate language found in the video). I can definitely relate, even the crazy-colors-and-music part at the beginning  That sort of is how I feel, and I unfortunately act like I’m in a “limbo of misery” sometimes. I think I used to believe that I could follow my dreams to their entirety, but after some humbling experiences in which I realized that I wasn’t as smart and talented as I believed compared to other individuals my age, I sort of lost those dreams and figured I would settle for a less than exceptional lifestyle.

Not that I wasn’t striving to be my best; I had simply accepted that I was never going to be one of the best at what I loved, in any area, including writing or biology or German or history, which were all considerations for my future majors at the time.

My “existential crisis” began this year, a few months ago, of course when I had to decide whether or not to continue to play soccer in the high school next year. That created an additional identity crisis that caused me to rethink my entire being and realize how little I have to call my own (which is untrue, but at the time that is what I thought). Then, because I’m a junior in high school, I also have to think about where I’m going for college, what major and profession I want to pursue, yada yada yada. This all became too much for me. Like Dan, I’ve been going through the motions of which challenge am I supposed to tackle next, and haven’t really given any thought to more meaningful topics (like the rest of my life).

When he began talking about what he has been passionate about but then choosing a completely different career path, it really stood out to me, because I’ve been doing similar things with my life. I’ve been looking more toward what is good in general versus what is good for me. Instead of looking inside and trying to figure out what I wanted to do, I kept looking outside at “pointers” such as careers that pay the most money or have the greatest job growth expectations; I listened to what other people were telling me I needed to do to find a career. It’s great to get advice, but some of these people essentially told me to be realistic and not rely so much on my dreams. Which I unfortunately did.

I mean, like Dan says, these things are important too, but I wasn’t focusing on what was really important. Actually, maybe I needed to spend some time looking outside instead of in and wallowing in my existential crisis in order to come to the conclusions I have today.

But that is for another post. I love how he uses “you only live once” in the most serious terms, because honestly people annoy me when they use it to justify stupid things (I’ll admit I’ve jokingly done this). Being a biology geek, I did appreciate his biological “meaning of life”, but, again, that’s not the point for someone going through a crisis.

“Be happy”. It’s something I haven’t thought about in a long time. Honestly, for most of my junior year, making myself happy has not been on my list of things to do; and yes, I have a list. In fact, my motto has been “I’ve never heard anyone say all that hard work didn’t pay off”, and that could be true, but it has caused me to believe that if at every moment I’m doing something-anything-productive, I will achieve what I want. Which I guess has led me to metaphorically bang my head into walls. I’m going to have to try this new outlook on life and see where it leads.

The first thing I will be doing following this post will be to change the note card on my wall on which my “motto” had been displayed and changing it to one that says “Be happy”. Probably with one of these- =D – on the side.