Back to Reality

Spending four days at Wildwood with my two best friends was absolutely wonderful, and now it’s time to return to reality. Throughout these four glorious days, I acquired:

  • A black t-shirt that has the German emblem and “German” written on it in gold, black and red.
  • A Germany jersey (I’m a sucker when it comes to Germany. I’ve decided that after I graduate from college I’m going to travel to Germany so I can be there during the next World Cup).
  • A pound of fudge for my family.
  • A necklace with “ACP”, which stands for “Awesome Cool People”, the club my best friends and I created when we first met in 6th grade, engraved on a charm.
  • A sore throat, nausea, and mucus-filled eyes. Not sure why my body decided to get sick on the second to last day.
  • Deep fried Oreos (I’m sure they’re still swimming around in my stomach somewhere).
  • Some sunburn, though my friend got the worst burns on the first day; only the spots I lotioned for her, her back and shoulders, remained unscathed.
  • Rad vacation memories unblemished by alcohol or drugs.
  • A few selfies and pictures my friend took.
  • A CD of road trip music from my friend, who let me keep it after we came home.
  • Four books: Great Expectations, Dubliners, The Portable Shakespeare, and the Diary of A Young Girl. Yes, my friends and I managed to find the ONLY book store on the boardwalk and proceeded to rampage through it.

The post-vacation depression from this adventure is likely to be severe, so I am going to do my best to keep myself preoccupied, which will hopefully include more frequent posting and writing.

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My first heat-of-the-moment post

I have never been one to write heat-of-the-moment anything: no crazy Facebook statuses about an ex or backstabbing friend, no personal Tumblr posts other than what I have shared on here (which have been carefully edited and looked over, written in a state of calm thoughtfulness). Sometimes I text sort of heat-of-the-moment, but only to my two best friends and/or ex. So sharing a depressive, momentary flash of emotions with the random public is not something I have ever really done before.

In the past week or so, I felt I have not done anything right whatsoever. I have suffered through my own mistakes and procrastination. I have been extra anxious about going places and doing different tasks for school, college or my summer job. I have been relying heavily on my mother’s assistance, and because I have been so anxious and depressed I have begun to take my bad feelings out on her, being mean even when she is trying to help. One night I overheard her frustredly complaining to my father how stressed she is between my issues and her own, partially contributing her high blood pressure to all the stress.

I instantly felt terrible, and wrote the following on Tumblr: “i hate posts about depression that include people talking about how shitty their parents are and thats why they’re depressed because they do not feed my depression. I am not the victim, I am the problem. I take everything out on the people who love me and hurting them because it makes me feel better. I’m a terrible daughter, sister, friend. I’m surprised my parents haven’t had heart attacks from dealing with me. Maybe soon.”

A part of me almost values this transitory snapshot. It’s raw, emotional, and as much “me” as these posts that I write with a calm mind. Is there a reason I should not be posting these things? If they were about a specific person, yeah maybe. It would be an innapropriate way to deal with the situation, and issues are best dealt with through direct conversation. But these were just emotions concerning myself that I decided to express in an unedited fashion.

Is there something wrong with that?

Perhaps I should be discussing these feelings with someone rather than posting them on Tumblr (yanno, direct conversation to solve problems), but the whole cause of my depression was due to feeling like I was putting all of my issues on someone else. I suppose I could have called or texted my therapist (because that’s her job), but it was too late at night.

Or maybe we have, as a society, decided that rash displays of feeling are negative. Most people view those types of Facebook statuses as ridiculous, and some bold people even comment on said statuses and convey their derogatory opinion on emotion-sharing on social media. If you feel something negative, you are told to keep it between yourself and whomever it may concern. However, when it comes to depression, you may be the only one who is involved in the war in your mind (directly at least). So perhaps we are conditioned to bottle these emotions inside of us and not share it with others, let alone those who vaguely follow our daily lives through social media.

Am I digging too deeply into this?

June 8th, 2013-Poetry

Anyway, today I’m going to share a poem I wrote when I was feeling very, very sad. I was afraid to share it before because I don’t want anyone worrying, but reading it again sort of motivates me not to get back to that place. It’s pretty depressing and could be what I’ve learned from tumblr is called “triggering”, so you do not have to read it.

I actually wrote it as sort of a journal entry, so here goes nothing. I’m not particularly afraid of sharing it, though I am a bit nervous.

June 17, 2013 around 9:15pm

Self esteem is like a perpetual elevator for me. My levels of self worth fluctuate what seems like daily, going up then down, down a little more, then up again. Maybe sometimes the elevator gets stuck at a level for a bit, whether high or low, but it always returns to endless up-and-down-ing.

 

Don’t try to talk sense into me

It’s an impossible task.

Please don’t, you’ll unnerve me,

I won’t get it done fast.

 

I’m worthless as a human being,

Sure, smart, athletic, interesting.

But in the most important aspect

I’m inevitably failing.

 

I’m worthless to my fellow beings,

I cannot help them at all.

While they’re always there for me

I can’t help them when they fall.

 

So the basis of all relationships

Between lovers and family and friends

Is a concept I cannot grasp

And there’s no way I can pretend.

 

So please, you have to understand

You’ve done nothing wrong;

The problem, you see, is me

The problem I’m about to solve.

Gone

Gone

I am resolve

I am strong

I’ve faced challenges harder than these.


Subtle feelings

have to fade;

I’m done losing my heart to thieves.


Because,

once the heart is gone,

captured for too long,


one then

will lose their mind-

and love can’t be too far behind.


Feedback is welcome.