It was really refreshing to wake up this morning unreasonably happy; no thoughts about anything in particular, except trying to remember the dreams I had last night. I walked over to turn my air conditioner off, and when I got to the window to turn the dial to the “Off” position, I wondered why I was so happy. It wasn’t even the kind of happy you experience on your best day with friends, or the jubilant relief that accompanies realizing a gnawing worry is resolved. It was, in the only way I can think to describe it, ignorant bliss (Clichés-1, Wiggygirl-0). I wasn’t sure why I was happy, but I was obviously enjoying it. Honestly, I have not felt that happy in weeks or months. Months. That’s a long time to not experience an emotion, let alone a fantastic one. This realization made me wonder how long it would be until I felt this strange elation again. After a few weeks of believing my depression was actually going away, I was hit by an especially depressive mood at the beginning of this week; unfortunately, I have to wonder if I brought it on myself. I had been sick after coming home from vacation at the beach, and through a mixture of not really wanting to go to work and guilt of probably spreading germs to my coworkers, I coerced myself to take Monday off. I texted my boss that morning and he told me it was fine if I didn’t come into work, and to inform him when I would be able to come back in (have I mentioned my boss is really chill?). Monday was spent sleeping a lot, browsing a variety of sites on my computer, maybe a little reading….nothing too productive, because I was attempting to relax and “get better”. However, as the day progressed and I knew I would have to go back to work the next day, I started feeling unmotivated, though not quite depressed yet. Since my boss hadn’t said “see you tomorrow”, rather telling me to contact him when I was feeling better, why shouldn’t I take another day off? Though I told myself I would see how I felt in the morning, I knew in the back of my mind my decision had already been made. Not wanting to tell my mom I was taking another day off, I decided I would wake up normal time and pretend I was going to work. I drove to the park behind my house to chill and listen to music/my anxiety tape while I waited for all my coworkers and mother to get off the roads. Then, I spent three hours driving around South Jersey with no actual destination in mind. I love driving, but this wasn’t supposed to be a leisurely escapade through main streets and lonely roads. This was foreshadowing for the lowest low I’ve felt in awhile. Flashback to last summer, when my depression went along unnoticed and untreated. I was so afraid and anxious to tell my boss that once soccer started I would not be able to work, I decided I simply would not, and instead texted him two days in a row saying I would not be coming to work that day. No explanations or excuses; I just would not be working, and in my last text I told him I would not come in again because soccer would be starting. Minus the vague text messages, I did the same thing I did this past Tuesday; I pretended to go to work but instead drove around aimlessly. When I told my best friend about what had occurred, she completely brushed it off. She didn’t get it. This was what I did when I was very depressed. I know now after talking to her she was trying to help by distracting me and discussing other topics, but I had to tell her this was not how to help me. I don’t know about other people, but when I am really depressed or upset about something, I don’t want people to distract me immediately. I don’t even necessarily want advice. What I really need and covet is sympathy and someone who will tell me it’s okay that I’m upset. I really would like someone who will ask questions; this will either show they are interested in what’s going on or it will help me look at the issue and work through it. After a similar conversation with my ex/guy friend, my depression became severe, and I’ve unfortunately spent the past few days feeling alone and melancholy. I barely talked to my friends and spent a lot of time inside my room, traversing the dark regions of Tumblr and listening to music that makes me sad. I excessively and genuinely cried for the first time in awhile. Luckily I conversed with my friends and therapist about this issue and, after this wonderful morning, am starting to feel sort of normal again. Though I know this intense change of mood is fleeting, I have some sense of hope for future happiness.
This weekend, from about Friday around 4pm until yesterday evening, I was in a pretty bad state of mind, as you can see by this poem I wrote Friday night.
Somebody please help me
I don’t know where to go from here
There’s darkness clouding my mind
And I’m drowning in the fear
But no one even turns their head
And I’m left alone once again
But I’m back now. Saturday I went to Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, Maryland with my family because they had an information session/campus tour for prospective students. This is probably my number 1 college right now-like seriously, walking around felt like I could actually belong there. The issue, of course, is getting in, because it’s a top notch school.
The sucky thing is, from what I’ve gathered, they only look at the Critical Reading and Math sections of SAT, which I got 650’s on for a total of 1300/1600 (which is eh in my opinion, considering the quality of the school). I got a 760 on my writing portion. Yeah, fantastic. I have some options for making it work though, and of course SAT scores aren’t the only thing. I have really good grades from junior year (and all years I suppose) so I’m hoping for the best.
Plus it’s the number 1 research university in the nation, and receives the most funding from the federal government to support this, which means that I’ll have opportunities to pursue my own interests inside biology in addition to classwork. The campus is the perfect size, Baltimore is a phenomenal city, and it also has German, which I want to minor in.
It was my first college visit, and I really just fell in love.
Catcher in the Rye is one of my favorite books-we read it in class in 10th grade last year. One of the symbols I was most attracted to was the symbol of the duck pond, which I related to Holden’s fear of growing up, and that no one would advise him on the direction of his life OR someone (a zookeeper) would just come and force him to grow up.
However, my one friend brought out an important point-the New York Central Park Pond doesn’t freeze over in the winter and ducks usually stay in the park year round. So what is the significance of this?
Is it a simple mistake by J. D. Salinger? Was it a purposed twist of reality in order to provide the symbolism of the duck pond?
Or, the most intriguing theory my friend interposed…was Holden lying? If so, why was he lying?
I have been trying to research this, and have come up short. Now I’m reaching out to the WordPress community for answers. If anyone can provide some insight, or give me tools in order to research this further, a comment or message would be greatly appreciated.
Lately so many things have been bothering me. Whether I have the right or not to be bothered by them, they were still troubling me. However, when I hang out with my two best friends, all of the problems seem to go away.
And, if they don’t go away, it’s because we’re talking them out. Everyone puts in some input. Everyone has their say. There is not exclusion or putting down or obnoxious comments (which is what I’ve witnessed too many times in average day to day interactions between teenagers).
Of course, I feel a little guilty that I didn’t share what I think I might have to do. I’ll probably tell my one friend so she can help me make a decision, and tell the other when I’ve made my choice, because she had the most problems we discussed last night, and I don’t need to worry her anymore. It feels a little dirty, but she understands because she’s done the same for me. Maybe I’ll tell her anyway, just mention it and tell her I’m figuring it out so it doesn’t worry her.
I love these two girls. We spent the night watching Doctor Who and Mean Girls 2, then talking and talking and talking. They make me feel completely at ease. Our talks really help boost my self-worth because I actually feel useful, helpful, and wanted.
So, motivational advice for today, rely on your friends and loved ones for help. It can even be a sibling or relative, but everyone needs someone. Finding the someone is hard to do, I understand, which is why I feel so blessed to have these two girls in my life. Nights like these remind me why life is not worthless.
“One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood” ( Lucius Annaeus Seneca).
If anyone ever wants a friend, I’m always here on the other side of the computer. As you can see from this blog, I have my own issues and usually feel like my help and advice is worthless, but I will listen and I will care.
I haven’t written for awhile, though that hasn’t been a completely bad thing until recently. In the first couple days of my absence from blogging, I was working towards playing soccer again: working out, going to practice, and getting all the forms and physical papers I needed. I was also cleared to play contact soccer by my orthopedic doctor yesterday morning.
However, in the past two days or so, I’ve been ignoring my self-set obligation to write because of my own personal issues with everything and life.
“Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine” (Ralph Waldo Emerson).
This is what I am constantly afraid of.
When I go through these semi-dark states of mind, I can never tell if I have any reason to feel morose. If I come to the conclusion that I don’t, there are usually two subsequent paths my mind can take; I either realize my silliness and move on, trying to make the most of things, or I depress myself more because I’m being stupid for wallowing in self-pity.
Another alternative is simply surviving and making it through the day; my emotions have been choosing this path a lot recently. Last night I was in one of my dark states of mind and didn’t fall asleep until 1am, which is late for me. I had been despondent all day, and it only got worse when I got home. Today was one of those just-get-through-what-I-need-to-get-through days. I had sadness creeping over me every now and then, and sometimes I felt like I was on the precipice of breaking down right in the middle of school.
I got home all right though. I still don’t feel better; I’ve been having “issues” (I use quotes because I don’t wholeheartedly believe I’m right for having these issues) lately, and seemingly no one to talk to. I mean, I of course have people to talk to, but I feel terrible about it.
First, everyone else I know has problems far worse than mine, so why do I need to bother them with my petty issues when it doesn’t really matter?
Second, I don’t feel I’m worthy for someone else to help. I can’t help anyone with personal issues, not even my best friend. Last night after trying to help my friend, I talked about my teeth being sensitive to cold, and she asked if I forgot to take my mouth out of the freezer. I can’t tell if it was just her being crazy or if she meant, yanno, that I was cold, especially in how I interact and talk to people. That was pretty much the trigger for my dark thoughts. See, and she probably didn’t mean it in that way, and I still got upset.
Today in school as we were walking in the hallways, my best friend brought up how I had tried to help her the night before, by (jokingly) relating her issues to biology. My other friend said, “Why would you do that?” and I started walking faster to try to get away from them.
I’ve literally resorted to running away from my “issues”.
On a brighter note, as previously stated, I’ve decided to at least try playing soccer again. I don’t know if I will play for my high school in the fall, because I’ve got a fairly busy schedule next year, though it’s worth a shot. While I’ve been worrying about grades, another worry that I”ve kept silent from everyone else has been creeping up on me.
What if, when I’m playing soccer in the summer or fall for the high school team, I get into one of my moods (ugh I hate calling them moods but that’s what they are), and completely stop playing for a week or so, or don’t go to mandatory practices and ruin everything? I always seem to screw things up.
So, motivation for anyone out there who is still listening to my rant-don’t let yourself make your own shadows. Whenever something is upsetting you, take a step back and ponder whether it’s really worth anger and sadness. Everyone deserves some time to be miserable, but you can’t let it eat you alive. Like that one quote awhile back, take your problems and eat them for breakfast!
Now let’s see if I can even follow my own advice. It’s not that I don’t think this advice is legitimate and true, it’s just that, when it comes to stuff like this, I have a very weak constitution.