Summer Goals

I essentially have three goals for this summer.

1) Learn “Let It Go” and other songs in German. I was torn when making class decisions for college on whether to take a) Shakespeare’s Sisters, an English seminar that I really did not need but would enjoy, or  b) German 201. If I enrolled in the latter  it would prevent the loss of any of my German skills by waiting to enroll in the class at another time.

I was really close to going with the English seminar, which I had my eyes on from the first time I looked at Gettysburg’s courses, but I ended up making the more rational decision and choosing German 201, which I believe I will love. I plan on taking an English course to fulfill one of the liberal arts curriculum goals, and using Introduction to Creative Writing as my arts requirement. My schedule at the moment, other than German 201, includes Math 111 (Calc 1), Bio 113 (the fall companion to an application-only research based course in the spring, Bio 114 Phage Genomics), and Chem 107 (Chemical Structure and Bonding). The schedule is pretty busy. Math 111 meets Monday thru Thursday; other than lectures, I have labs for both Bio and Chem and a German conversation/discussion once a week. However, I am very excited about all my classes.

2) Come up with at least one question to ask my Biology professor. He sent all of us (from the Bio 113 class) an email concerning general Gettysburg advising on housing, buying books, etc. He also discussed our homework over the summer, which was good, because I completely forgot about summer homework and would not have even thought to ask my other professors (which I will do now).

Finally, he said we are free to ask him whatever questions we want, whether it’s about college, our courses, or general science questions. I want to look at all the information he has sent us and ask a really good question; I’ve had issues with asking questions/asking for help in the past so I want to break that habit as soon as possible. A fresh start for college, yanno?

3) I want to speed walk as fast as my paint crew supervisor. I don’t think I have mentioned this before, but I did get the same summer job as last year, painting for the school district. He has decided to wait to name managers to see who can handle it all best, so I am not sure if I will procure this position. I am not a very take-charge type of person, which is why I am dubious of my chances. Besides, I don’t think I really want to be a manager anyway (grr stupid lacking ambition when it involves something new or taking charge).

Anyway, you do not understand this man’s speed. He does not even pump his arms-he just goes. You literally run to keep up with him or else he will turn a corner and you will not know where he went. The only way you know he is coming before he gets to you is the keys he keeps on his belt all the time jingle and jangle obnoxiously loud. You can hear him from down a hallway, which gives you just enough time to turn off any inappropriate music you may have been playing. Last year my friend’s IPod was magical. We had it set on the musicals station, and when the supervisor was not around it would play Avenue Q and Spamalot, but just before he would walk by it would play Aladdin or the Little Mermaid.

I digress. It’s good to have goals, right?

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I’m a high school graduate!

Last night was my high school graduation. While I was at the actual ceremony, I had a headache, nerves about making my salutatorian speech, and the sun in my eyes for most of the evening. I was also hot and sweaty from sitting in the sun, and therefore did not feel the reality of graduating sink in. I felt like I took everything in, as well as I could; I watched closely as all of my classmates graduate, hugged a bunch of teachers, and danced to “Happy”, which they played after the formal ceremony was over and we were all set loose to roam around the football field.

This morning the realization hasn’t fully sunk in yet, but I’m panicing about nothing in particular, so I’m starting to get there. I’m really stressed this morning because there is so much I have to do today. The fact high school is finally over also makes me feel a little depressed…there’s a lot I wish I had done better. My salutatorian speech was okay, but not exceptional or personal at all. Most people did not laugh where I expected them to, and that discouraged me. I did not feel bad about it last night (I was too in the moment of graduation I guess), but now looking back I feel a lot worse about it.

Even though I spent the night with my two best friends in the world, I feel very lonely. Or maybe that’s why I feel lonely? I had the option to go to Project Graduation, essentially a party the school hosted at the Funplex after graduation, but because my two best friends were not going, I chose not to. Either way, not many people reached out to me before, during, or after graduation to talk or share congratulations. I did not anticipate this post becoming miserable, but that’s sort of what happened.

Though I sort of feel like a wreck now, last night was pretty beautiful, even though I had not been hit with the full force of graduating. I feel it’s going to be coming on very soon though…it’s so scary being an adult now. I think once I start making my to-do lists, organizing everything in my life, and completing tasks, I will feel much more at peace.

I’d like to close by sharing the quote I used in my graduation speech.

“When you’re a kid, they tell you it’s all…grow up, get a job, get married, get a house, have a kid, and that’s it. But the truth is, the world is so much stranger. It’s so much madder. And so much better”

-Elton Pope, Doctor Who

P.S. I know that’s not the whole quote, I cut out the “so much darker” part because I did not want to be more verbose than I already was, and because talking about a “dark world” during graduation seemed a little too weird for me. If you wanna read my whole graduation speech, I’m going to make a page for it.

Busiest Week of My Life

This week I had no time to blog; as much as I feel bad about not posting anything for a long time, there were occasions and to-do’s that I could not ignore.

Monday was my only semi-fee day, though I had an orthodontist appointment right after school. I spent tonight finishing an application for a special first-year “virus hunting” research course at Gettysburg as well as finishing a variety of other assignments I would not have time for later in the week.

Tuesday was a half day in school, but I attended a paint crew meeting after school. Last year I was hired, along with some of my peers, to be a part of our school’s paint crew, which (you might’ve guessed) paint the parking lots, hallways, etc. of all of the schools in the district; I will be doing the same thing again this summer. This meeting took almost three hours, but I can’t complain because we were all getting paid. We have not been told who will be the paint team managers, and I am torn between wanting to make more money by ascending to a leadership position and not wanting to have to assert myself to be in charge of a group.

After this meeting I went home and got ready for a scholarship reception dinner. I won a scholarship through my father’s union, and we were invited to attend a fancy dinner. I had a slight headache by this time, due to high temperatures that, after a cold winter, I am not quite used to yet. The food was good, the conversation, which I managed to interject into a few times, was excellent, and it was absolutely phenomenal to see all these students who had contributed so much to their community.

Wednesday after school was our Science League party. I had previously been very excited to attend, because Science League has been one of my favorite parts of high school over the past two years, and I love everyone in that club. However, we did a competition bowl, and I did not answer a single question though I knew a lot of the answers. Not only that, I was jealous of one of my peers who is incredibly intelligent and began to hate myself and feel very angry. When I came home I essentially gave up on doing anything and succumbed to sadness.

Thursday I was supposed to take a AP Chemistry test, but even if he put a 64 in the grade books (the lowest grade you can get on a test in AP Chem because of a lenient curve), I would still get a 94 overall. When given the option to skip the test, I took it. I was supposed to have an appointment with my therapist but did not have a car to drive, so we had a very short phone conference before I went to my friend’s house so she could paint my nails for prom. After that we sojourned together to Senior Awards night, where I was very happy (not jealous for once) to see everyone winning small monetary prizes for excellence in academics, athletics, extracurricular activities and community service. I received $50 as an academic award and $50 for Science League.

And…Friday was my senior prom! Half the fun was preparing for it. We had a half day of school and I went to the salon and got my hair (in the style of Elsa’s coronation from Frozen) and makeup done. We went to my friend’s house and stopped at school to get inexpensive professional pictures taken. We did not participate in Promenade, so we went back to my friend’s house and spent some time eating and watching RuPaul’s Drag Race in our prom dresses.

Then our parents all came over and we took a ton of pictures. My parents drove us to and from prom for fear of reckless and/or drunk drivers. The first hour or so was awkward picture-taking with friends. Two girls from my AP Chem class essentially attacked me when they saw me, telling me I looked beautiful and they hardly recognized me (yanno, because I never wear makeup in school and wear glasses, whereas tonight I was all dolled up and wearing contacts). The one girl actually came up to hug me and told me I could easily be the most beautiful girl there. Not to be conceited by writing about this, but I was very grateful for the compliment, which really helped my self-esteem.

I may be biased, but my friends and I were the most beautiful people there. Both of them looked like absolute goddesses. After eating we all got up to dance for two and a half hours straight; my feet did not hurt until the last half an hour of the prom, a huge accomplishment considering I wore my (albeit comfy) wedges the whole time. It was great dancing with my two best friends as well as a lot of my other friends in school. My friends and I reflected a little, on the ride home, how we were already a bit nostalgic because this was our senior prom, which would never happen again. But it was a fantastic time, and I would not have traded my prom experience for anything.

Now that this memorable week is over, I am both proud I have survived and am looking forward to whatever challenges await this week.

Howdy

I love greeting people with howdy. So, howdy y’all, I have not blogged in a long time, due to a mixture of so much to do in so little time, between schoolwork and soccer, and, when I do have spare time, often being too unmotivated to write, which is quite upsetting.

I do not know if readers have recognized this yet, but I have been seeing a psychologist for the treatment of  depression  and anxiety (I could go back and see if I ever blatantly mentioned this, but I’m far too lackadaisical). Last night was a pretty exhausting session, but I’m attempting to be hopeful and say I’m recovering and moving forward.

Interjection for a funny little story:

One day I was at the psychologist, and I brought up how even when I make minute mistakes, they can make me feel stupid in the most upsetting way possible. After discussing the matter for a few minutes, she began to ask me some seemingly random questions. She inquired if, whenever I have to clean a room (her example was a living room), I was upset if everything was not put back in exactly the same spot as I had found it. I of course, responded no, because it does not bother me.

Then she asked if I kept my room neat, which I overtly laughed at, because my room could be considered a war zone some days.

At first, I was vaguely interested in why she was asking me these questions, wondering if this was going to become some grand metaphor that held the key to curing depression and conveyed the meaning of life. She continued to question me. Did I count in an unusual way? If I stepped on a crack did I have to step back and go over it again without stepping on the crack?

Then I’m like…wait…does she think I have OCD? I sort of laughed internally at the thought, and whatever path she was treading upon she must have abandoned after I answered the questions, because she did not bring it up again. But just now I looked up legitimate symptoms of OCD, and I actually have some of them…but then again, for a time I was also convinced I have borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder, so it’s not like self diagnosis is useful in any way.

The End.

Homecoming was a little over a week ago, I think (the past month or so is a big blur). I went with my girlfriends who took quite some time to get ready, and then we had to wait for my one friend’s parental units to arrive to ogle her, so we were sort of late. My boyfriend had to wait outside in the cold (poor guy). But it was fun and I danced a lot with my boyfriend and with my friends. My boyfriend and I have been going out for about a year now; though we do not have an official start date, we were first most evidently a couple at the homecoming dance last year.

My one best friend went with a boy who was apparently flirting with a ton of girls-and did not recognize the fact all the girls were friends and would inform each other of his shenanigans. So, whenever he attempted to dance with her, I would place my hands on his chest, gently push him away, stand between them, and dance with her. And it worked quite nicely, especially with my other best friend also partaking in this activity.

Before the dance I warned my boyfriend of the situation, and I told him that, if I saw the kid, I would need to him to hold me back (to, yanno, prevent me from murdering him). So, as we were waiting in line to get into the dance, I turned and saw the boy, and started slapping the crap out of my boyfriend, telling him repeatedly to “hold me back”…it took him a moment to understand, so it was just me grabbing his arm and shouting at him to “hold me back”. Must have been an amusing scene. During the dance he kept turning us so I was as far away from the boy as possible.

All I can say is good riddance to a bad seed.

So what else have I been up to? Soccer mostly. I have (mostly) accepted my position as team benchwarmer (along with a fellow senior), and now it’s the postseason, so there are a few more players the coach brought up from Junior Varsity to theoretically play with us, but they usually just sit the bench with me. However, I have been chosen as a penalty kicker if the need arises, which is a frightening thought, especially after today when, during practice, I only made one out of four shots.

My team was ranked 16th out of 16 seeds in our group, and we faced the number one team on Tuesday.

And won. =D

It was an amazing thing to behold-even if I did not get to play, I felt like a part of the team. We move on to the second round tomorrow and play a pretty tough team. I’m just praying it does not go to penalty kicks.

Well, enough rambling for one night. Hopefully I’ll have more time soon to blog consistently. Tchuss!

Side by Side-A Poem

This poem actually took quite a bit of rewriting, and will probably need some more.  It’s got a few unintentional i mean i totally meant to have a few little rhymes in there. But other than that it’s freehand.

We used to walk

Side by side

on the ground.

.

We’d look to the sky

and I would exclaim

how wonderful it must be

to soar above it all

and how the ground was so cold

and the morning sky so gloriously warm

and the sunset triumphantly painted red.

.

And I told you

I didn’t want to fly

If you weren’t at my side.

But you just laughed

.

And shook your head.

When the time came for me

To set off into the clouds

I reached for your hand

But you stayed firmly grounded

And we had to say goodbye.

.

I looked up into the blue;

departure wasn’t…too hard

It was easy for you to say farewell

Why shouldn’t it be the same for me?

And at once I began to fly

Without you at my side.

.

I thought I’d be alone

Flying through the air

But I found others soaring there

And was always in company.

But every now and then

I’d look towards the ground, see you there

And miss you terribly.

.

After years of flying high

I looked to the ground once more

And saw you lying there

Cold.  Gone.

I flew back down

Scared and sad again

Just like the day of our goodbyes.

.

Glancing around, I realized

I remembered

The ground had not been so cold

And the scenery beautiful

When we had been together

Side by side.

Evolving Song Meanings

Does this happen to anyone else? Songs start off having one meaning but then life happens and they take on a whole new meaning for you.

Music has always been a powerful influence in my life, and usually each song I listen to has some kind of special meaning. It reminds me of a situation I was in, or someone I liked or hated, or a portion of my life that has passed.

Usually this meaning stays with me for a long time. For example, about a year ago I did a lot more Fanfiction writing (well Fanfiction imagining, I didn’t write a lot of my stories down) for a variety of canon stories ranging from Big Time Rush to Star Wars. I can listen to a song I associated with a certain pairing or plot line and it instantly takes me back to that story.

Another example is of songs I heard while in Austria. Whenever I hear them now, I think of Austria, maybe even where I heard them for the first time or what was going on during the song.

One of these songs was “Distance”. I sort of hope no one I know is reading this right now haha. But I liked someone on the trip with a girlfriend, and I had heard this song on Lufthansa coming to Austria. When I first heard it, I didn’t associate it with him, but then one day I just started singing it while taking a bike tour and saw him and it all connected. It was pretty weird actually. From then on, that song was pinned to him, and stood for wanting someone you couldn’t have.

Now, this song has taken on an entirely new meaning. It stands for a situation in which you do have the person you desired-probably in a relationship with them. However, things aren’t rock solid. There are so many feels and uncertainties-life in general-that it’s hard to commit to love, and truly believe you are in love. You know that it could all end with becoming strangers again, and this possible reality overshadows the relationship.

Sometimes this shadow isn’t bad-it keeps you both on the ground and not influenced by rash emotions and teenage hormones.

Sometimes it requires someone to keep their distance. To be stuck ahead of the other or not entirely sure of their partner’s (or their own) feelings. To be on different wavelengths-one waiting for the other to make a move, the other holding back because they don’t want to destroy what they have. To fear letting the other person see what you feel, and to be hesitant to truly give yourself-and your heart-to the other person for fear of being broken.  But at the same time, almost breaking on the inside.

To call it anything but love.

Make sure to keep my distance. To say I love you when you’re not listening.

How long can we keep this up? How long until we call this love?

And when words fail me, I revert to music.

MOM Day 25-Nights Like These

Lately so many things have been bothering me. Whether I have the right or not to be bothered by them, they were still troubling me. However, when I hang out with my two best friends, all of the problems seem to go away.

And, if they don’t go away, it’s because we’re talking them out. Everyone puts in some input. Everyone has their say. There is not exclusion or putting down or obnoxious comments (which is what I’ve witnessed too many times in average day to day interactions between teenagers).

Of course, I feel a little guilty that I didn’t share what I think I might have to do. I’ll probably tell my one friend so she can help me make a decision, and tell the other when I’ve made my choice, because she had the most problems we discussed last night, and I don’t need to worry her anymore. It feels a little dirty, but she understands because she’s done the same for me. Maybe I’ll tell her anyway, just mention it and tell her I’m figuring it out so it doesn’t worry her.

I love these two girls. We spent the night watching Doctor Who and  Mean Girls 2, then talking and talking and talking. They make me feel completely at ease. Our talks really help boost my self-worth because I actually feel useful, helpful, and wanted.

So, motivational advice for today, rely on your friends and loved ones for help. It can even be a sibling or relative, but everyone needs someone. Finding the someone is hard to do, I understand, which is why I feel so blessed to have these two girls in my life. Nights like these remind me why life is not worthless.

“One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood” ( Lucius Annaeus Seneca). 

If anyone ever wants a friend, I’m always here on the other side of the computer. As you can see from this blog, I have my own issues and usually feel like my help and advice is worthless, but I will listen and I will care.