I should stop disappearing…

I have returned from another long break from blogging, which occurred due to

  • deadlines for financial aid stuff for college
  • lots of schoolwork-now I have four actual classes with actual homework and which actually require studying
  • my poetry explication for AP English, which is worth THREE TEST GRADES, was due on Monday, March 3rd. Two weeks before this was due, I actually started doing research for my poem and realized I could not find enough literary criticism to write a successful paper,  so I had to pick a new poem and restart my research
  • and, of course, gosh darned depression.

Lately I have been feeling lonelier than usual due to my break-up with my boyfriend, but “Gonna Get Over You” by Sara Bareilles, featured in my last or second to last post,  is still helping me a lot.

Just out of curiosity I looked up how long it takes for you to get over a relationship, and according to relationship experts, it usually takes about half as long as the relationship lasted to heal completely. For me, that means 8 months (we were together for about 16 months), which seems like a very long time. I suppose the emphasis there is on “completely”. Slowly but surely one gets over a relationship, though minute, lingering feelings could remain months after the break-up. However, by that time most of the pain should be gone.

This is the month the rest of my college acceptance/rejection letters should be coming in, though Johns Hopkins University will not contact me until March 28th (so far away!). I will be impatiently waiting and checking the mail every day as soon as I get home until I know where I have been accepted and can start making some really big decisions.

My poetry explication was a great distraction from my depression-try hard mode had been engaged-but now I need to start motivating myself once more. Hopefully part of that motivation will include frequent blog posts, which is a sentiment I always sing of but never really deliver on. Eh, no harm in trying again.

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Feeling #ForeverAlone on Valentine’s Day?

It could be worse. Your boyfriend could have broken up with you the week of Valentine’s day.

Yeah….

I’m still in a period of mourning-currently I’m in the guilt stage where I’m looking back on what I might have done differently to prevent the break-up, though I suppose it would not have changed much. What are the other stages of breaking up I have gone through so far?

First it was denial, which occurred right after we broke up. Nothing really felt that different at the time, so it was hard to realize I no longer had a boyfriend. In the middle of my stage of denial, I had a night of crying hysterically and thinking how unfair our break-up was because I really love him. I had thought our relationship was perfect, but now I see from his side it wasn’t, and I wonder how long it had been that way.

I continued with my denial until I suppose the end of the next day, because I had gone through a whole school day that had no involved seeing him. Though we agreed to be friends (because we do have a fantastic friendship) I conveyed I needed space for some time in order to get over him.

In order to push through my lingering sense of denial, I listened to some really sad break-up songs (mostly Taylor Swift) so I could get some crying out of the way. They hurt a lot, but I believe they will help me in the long run. Acting like a strong, I-don’t-care-we’re-over type of woman in real life doesn’t help anything; in my opinion, it simply prolongs the pain because one does not confront their emotions and let them wallow and become stronger inside. My friend also shared an excellent Sara Bareilles song with me that was exactly what I needed-a song saying that I was still devastated by the break-up, and would not get over this guy very quickly, but one day I would. At this time I truly entered the  mourning stage.

I’m still very much sad, but I will survive. Though I might have mixed feelings on why we broke up, I am definitely not mad at him for his timing. I would rather be broken up with prior to Valentine’s Day than to think my relationship is perfectly fine on Valentine’s Day when it’s really not, only to be broken up with a few days later.

Though there are a lot of songs I could relate to my situation, the one that puts me the most at ease is Taylor Swift’s “Sad Beautiful Tragic”. Despite the tragedy of the relationship, it was very beautiful at the same time, and once the pain has passed I will be able to look back on it and reminisce of how wonderful (albeit bumpy) this relationship had been.

Thanks to Dr. Horrible’s Sing-along-Block, I no longer say “Everything happens for a reason”. Just, “everything happens”. And you deal with it.