To Science Or Not To Science

The ever-closer prospect of college has caused me to reevaluate my life decisions and goals, which also includes my projected major and profession. I’ve been told it’s silly for anyone to expect an 18-year old to know what they want to do in their adult life. I’ve also been told I need to think about these things so I have some sort of direction and don’t ignore the future, which I have a tendency to do because I am incredibly nostalgic and hate the idea of growing up.

Going into the college search, I was certain I wanted to pursue biology with a concentration in molecular genetics. AP Biology was my favorite class in high school, and it’s interesting and cool. Science jokes, pick up lines, and puns make me excessively happy. However, I received my AP Chemistry score back today and received a 1. I remember the day of the exam I was really depressed and essentially gave up when I reached the open ended section, but…really? The lowest score possible?

Other things have also caused me to question my decision to enter the science field. My second favorite class in high school was AP English, in which I excelled notwithstanding it being considered one of, if not the most, difficult AP class in our school. I graduated with the highest overall grade average in English for my entire grade. My AP English Literature and Composition score was a 5. My ex once told me he knew I was good at science but never really knew that it interested or captivated me as much as, for example, English literature.

But was this last statement an accurate description of my feelings or a sign that, perhaps, he didn’t get me as much as I thought he did? Or is it neither, and simply a reflection that, though I love science, it’s not something I excessively fan girl over?

I have difficulty with self-esteem, and not feeling good enough often plagues me when it comes to the sciences. I’m terrified to begin my biology and chemistry courses in college for fear of being behind in my studies. However, what could I do with an English major that I would enjoy? I don’t want to be a teacher, and pretty sure I wouldn’t want to be a college professor. I don’t want some business job, unless it’s for something I’m actually interested in. Perhaps an editor or writer of some sort? But journalism has never intrigued me.

Furthermore, why should I let anyone else get in the way of what I want? If I want to be a biologist, even if I’m better at something else, who’s stopping me?

But what do I really want? That is the question.


The Cotton Anniversary

It has been over two years since I started this blog in my Internet and Web Page Design class. So, I’m going to do what I did on my one year blogging anniversary (blogiversary?), relating 33 ways I have changed/33 things I have done in the past year.

1. I have engaged in therapy to treat depression and anxiety.

2. I have become, not of my own will, single again.

Wow I kind of started off really depressing. I promise it will not all be that bad!

3. I attended my first All Time Low Concert, which was friggin awesome. I started listening to more alternative/alternative rock music.

4. I won a $2,500 four-year scholarship from my dad’s union.

5. I got my first summer job, which was painting buildings for the town’s school district. Basically our paint crew went to different schools and repainted hallways, rooms, cafeterias, gyms, parking lots, etc. It was a really great job, 40 hours a week, and a little bit over minimum wage. This year if I do it again I’ll be paid even more!

6. I survived AP English. That is a huge accomplishment. Not only that, but I improved my writing skills tremendously.

7. I applied to seven different colleges: I was not accepted to Dartmouth College or Johns Hopkins University (woah big surprise there), but was accepted to the University of Rochester, Gettysburg College, The College of New Jersey, Pittsburgh University, and Arcadia University.

8. We attempted to visit TCNJ but I was having an emotional low and my stomach felt bad (which could have been a side effect of the emotional low), so we ended up driving up there, driving around the campus, and coming home. We also visited Gettysburg where I got a fantastic feeling, and the University of Rochester, where I had thought I would be attending but when I got there the feeling was not right.

9. Ultimately, I decided to accept admission to Gettysburg College, and am extremely pleased with my decision.

10. I “played” soccer on the Varsity squad; in reality I was a benchwarmer, and soccer made me feel inferior and terrible about myself almost every day, so I am quite happy I will not have to deal with that pressure and negativity anymore. It was not the other players who were negative at all-they were all fantastic-it was just my own low self esteem causing itself to sink lower.

11. I received 1,000 Places to See Before You Die and have made it a life goal to visit as many of these places as possible.

12. I have gotten addicted to gaming videos on YouTube, and regularly follow everyone in Smosh Games. I have also begun watching Achievement Hunter, including Red vs. Blue. I am currently about to start the fifth season.

13. I have also become obsessed with vlogs, some of them including WatchUsLiveandStuff and MostlyMelanie, to the point where during my day I narrate my life as if I am doing a vlog. I have been considering how I would feel vlogging versus blogging. Should I try it? I do not know if I have the right presentation skills or technology, but maybe I can upgrade my camera before college and try it.

14. I survived 18 years on this planet. That also means I upgraded my license and can drive more than one person at a time.

15. For the NHS induction ceremony this year, the teacher I nominated to speak at the ceremony, my AP English teacher, was chosen. Subsequently, I was given the opportunity to write an introduction for her and speak at the ceremony, which made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside because she is such an important mentor for me.

16. I lost my Mommom (my dad’s mom), which has been a complicated and very sad experience.

17. My ex and I came this close to winning our last Science League competition. We were only 8 points, or two questions, behind the dominant school at these competitions, and our two schools had essentially slaughtered everyone else. It was a fantastic way to end one of my favorite extracurricular activities.

18. I felt lonely, unmotivated, hateful, sad and a conglomeration of other negative emotions. I have essentially become a pessimist, which is a bit ironic or funny or whatever because I used to be the most optimistic person I knew.

19. I became a lab tech for my Chemistry teacher. Though most of the work she has given us has been menial, and the fact people always ask my ex for assistance makes me jealous still, I have thoroughly enjoyed the experience and how chill it is to hang out with the two Chemistry teachers during my SRE and lunch.

20. I saw Frozen, which was really personal for me because of the depression and anxiety Elsa experiences. We also blame Disney for promoting Frozen so much they decided to control the weather and make it the snowiest winter we’ve had in years.

21. Other than on this blog and my sister blog on Tumblr, I still do not share my writing pieces with other people. However, I have given my best friends and my ex (well, when we were together) permission to view my blog.

22. I took German IV (finally), and am so excited to pursue German as a minor in college.

23. I came this close to passing a 2100 on my SATs, but I think a 2090 excellent. Yeah this part of the list is pretty arrogant, but considering how low my self-esteem is, I hope you all will forgive it. Even though it is a worthless number that in no way gauges how smart you really are.

24. I did not attend the senior trip because my two friends did not go; I was not as upset as I thought I would be. I will get to Disney World…eventually.

25. I have decided, for the moment, I want to major in Biochemistry and Molecular Biology while minoring in German; I could possibly add a minor in Neuroscience or English.

26. I have been expanding my comfort zone as far as food goes. Previously I have been a picky eater, but I have been trying new foods whenever I get the chance, worrying most of my family to the point that they will put a hand to my forehead to see if I am feverish.

27. I unfortunately engaged in self-harm, though I have been cut-free for months now. I think that deserves a =).

28. I tried to start learning for the knowledge instead of the grade, and to ingrain information in my mind for long-term learning rather than the short-term, forget-about-it-after-the-test thing I have been doing for most of my academic life. AP Chemistry made this sentiment a lot harder.

29. I attended Black and Gold Night, in which the entire high school is separated by last name and the Black and Gold teams duke it out, first in study hall activities like Pictionary and Wii Bowling, and then on Black and Gold Night, where they have a lot of spirit and athletic competitions. And, for the first time in YEARS, Gold Team (my team) won.

30. We successfully pranked my AP English teacher on April Fool’s Day and made her believe none of us had done our homework. It was one of the most amusing events I have ever witnessed.

31. I started watching Attack on Titan. I am not sure if I am in love with it yet (I have only seen the first three episodes), but I really want to find it subbed instead of dubbed, which is all I can seem to find. I abhor dubbed; it feels weird watching anime without the emotion of the original voice actors. Plus dramatic statements in English just sound awkward to me.

32. I ate at Panera for the first time ever, and have discovered their magical macaroni and cheese. Seriously, the best macaroni and cheese I have ever had. The macaroni, which I think is just spaghetti shells, is soft and the cheese is so gooey, a small cup of that with a piece of bread is enough dinner for me (but then again, I like eating multiple small meals).

33. Though my friends circle has, I suppose, shrunk a little, I still have the best friends in the world and love them dearly. For example, I was emotionally distraught this morning and just laid around the house all day. After telling them what was wrong, they came home over my house for a quick visit to hug me and tell me I’m perfect. They are the reason I have the energy to finish this blog (and hopefully complete other tasks throughout the day).

Well, that is probably the longest list I have written in awhile, so thank you if you actually read through all of it! Happy two years, Just Me and My Thoughts, and here’s to another year of blogging awesomeness!

Doomed to Mediocrity

If most of the world is doomed to mediocrity, why am I having such a hard time accepting my fate?

“But, you’re not mediocre, you’re basically the most awesome person in the whole world!” Nope. Falsch. And I confirmed this is untrue by going through my best friend’s birthday present to me. She generated a list of 18 reasons why I am fantastic; only three of them were actually true.

Yesterday my ex boyfriend texted me to say “I’ll be moving in sooner than I expected” or something like that. When I asked why, he replied he was given the opportunity to engage in research at his University before he even steps into a college class in a program that is usually only for college juniors and seniors. He apparently sent an email about the technology or research programs at his college to the head of his department, who then recommended him to the dean of the school, who then placed him into this program.

And I’m just sitting here thinking how I cannot even motivate myself to do my simple German homework until 5am the day it’s due. I’m not dumb, but I’m not naturally-gifted-smart either. Review tests are catastrophic because, even though this year I was attempting to do so, I cannot retain any knowledge. I’m trying to learn for the knowledge, not the grade, but it’s not working. I cannot compare to people like him.

I used to think I could accomplish whatever I wanted through sheer determination. But with my motivation slipping away, I have nothing. There will be no Johns Hopkins Graduate school in the future. No becoming a molecular geneticist/researcher and achieving great things. I am mediocre. But I cannot let go of this ridiculous fantasies. Why can’t I just accept my fate?

June 8th, 2013-Poetry

Anyway, today I’m going to share a poem I wrote when I was feeling very, very sad. I was afraid to share it before because I don’t want anyone worrying, but reading it again sort of motivates me not to get back to that place. It’s pretty depressing and could be what I’ve learned from tumblr is called “triggering”, so you do not have to read it.

I actually wrote it as sort of a journal entry, so here goes nothing. I’m not particularly afraid of sharing it, though I am a bit nervous.

June 17, 2013 around 9:15pm

Self esteem is like a perpetual elevator for me. My levels of self worth fluctuate what seems like daily, going up then down, down a little more, then up again. Maybe sometimes the elevator gets stuck at a level for a bit, whether high or low, but it always returns to endless up-and-down-ing.


Don’t try to talk sense into me

It’s an impossible task.

Please don’t, you’ll unnerve me,

I won’t get it done fast.


I’m worthless as a human being,

Sure, smart, athletic, interesting.

But in the most important aspect

I’m inevitably failing.


I’m worthless to my fellow beings,

I cannot help them at all.

While they’re always there for me

I can’t help them when they fall.


So the basis of all relationships

Between lovers and family and friends

Is a concept I cannot grasp

And there’s no way I can pretend.


So please, you have to understand

You’ve done nothing wrong;

The problem, you see, is me

The problem I’m about to solve.

Month of Motivation: Day 3

“Even if you fall on your face, you’re still moving forward” (Victor Kiam).

Well, I can definitely say I’m moving forward. Oh and look my dog just starting throwing up in the house and, being home alone, I have to clean it. Brilliant.

Last night I was ranting, once again, about my indecision concerning quitting soccer (yes, I’m still brooding over it). I was pouring my heart out to my friend, who I’ve opened up to so much in the last couple months that he has become the person I automatically turn to. Essentially, the conversation came to him telling me that I was going to purgatory to have my eyes sewn shut with metal wire because I gain sinful pleasure from seeing others brought low. I’m going to be punished for my jealousy (his exact words were “It’s just something that is truly done to those like you”).

I have no clue what to do about that. I just started crying. At first I was scared because I thought that meant he was going to reject me for the rest of my life and that I was losing him. Now, I feel like he was a terrible person for scaring me and presenting it to me like that. He could have said it a different way. But then I started thinking about it, and I am a terrible person myself. A part of me realizes that sometimes I do take pleasure in seeing others lower than myself.

Not that I’m trying to excuse this behavior, but I think it relates to my low self esteem. I don’t want other people to be low; I just want to know that other people’s lives suck and that I’m not the only one going through crap like this. No excuse, but some sort of reasoning.

With all those conflicted emotions and crying, I didn’t go to bed until 3:30 am, waking up at 6 am for school. I still feel despondent and melancholy, and though I know it was caused by these events (I had been perfectly content all day yesterday), I’m not exactly sure what is making me the most insane and unstable about the issue. I probably could have fallen asleep around 1 am, when I had calmed down, but felt depressed and thought I kept hearing noises; fearing demons and evil spirits, I kept the light on and read or went on my laptop.

Tumblr eased the pain a little bit. It’s always the little things that reveal a minute but imperative ray of light. While perusing posts with the tag “David Tennant” (it’s hard not to be happier when thinking about that man), I found this:

tumblr beautiful dr tennant

As silly as that is, it made me feel better.

Nevertheless, going to school was a joy because I was both tired, which leads to crankiness and irritability, and hating myself as well as my “friend”, and, well, pretty much feeling anger, hatred, and depression in a jumbled mess. I still feel the same way. I almost started crying in lunch because I couldn’t recieve my yearbook; apparently they didn’t record that I bought one, so now I have to talk about this to my mom. It wasn’t a heavy issue, but it was on top of everything else, and it all piles up after awhile. After I blog I’m going to take a nap before either trying to sort through all of this or doing homework.

So, how can this day of depression have anything to do with my month of motivation?

Simple. Human emotions cannot be avoided: the month of motivation is not aimed to ignore all my issues and feign optimism. Life sucks sometimes, but you have to deal with all the problems or drown. Despite this terrible situation, I’m going to attempt strength, maybe find someone to talk to, and try to figure things out.

P.S. I don’t know if it makes a difference, but I apologize for my over-tagging.

Identity Crisis (advice appreciated)

Ever since I was little, soccer has been a part of my life; I simply love it. Lately, it’s become a part of who I am. When I’m writing applications for scholarships or a resume, soccer teams are the first thing I put down because they are an integral part of my being.

Recently I’ve come to a crossroads as to whether I should participate in my high school’s soccer team next year (I tore my ACL this fall and didn’t play halfway through the fall season and couldn’t play during spring). I have been agonizing over this decision for months, and have been seesawing back and forth between joining the team or quitting and just playing by myself or with friends.

One of the worst things about playing on the soccer team is the stress it causes- and it sure caused me a heck of a lot of stress this season on Junior Varsity, so why should next year, when I’ll be expected to play on Varsity, give me any less stress? I really am a sucky soccer player in comparison to the girls in my school, and am definitely the worst player in my grade, probably one of the worst in the whole program; for most of the games on JV, I didn’t even start, and I was a junior. I’ve always tried my hardest, but what happens when trying my hardest just isn’t enough? I used to come home from soccer practice and just cry because my self-esteem was so low and I felt like I was a worthless soccer player. It hurt a lot, and it still hurts, because reading this makes me want to cry.

It would have been easier if I had more friends on the team, but I don’t. I mean, I like most of the girls, but some of them intimidate me because they are so good, a little cocky and not afraid to call you out in the meanest way. I feel like they’re all going to hate me because I’m so bad. If I were bad but a jokester and loveable, it might be different, but I”m awkward and shy. The girls on the soccer team didn’t try to include me, and I remember one game they just wouldn’t pass to me as much as I called for the ball. I mean, sure, they talked to me, but I didn’t feel like I truly belonged, and I hated feeling so alone all the time. That would be six days a week, about 3 hours a day, of feeling lonely. I hate that feeling.

Contrariwise, why can’t I just make friends? I’ve grown more outspoken since I tore my ACL and more friendly, though that could be just because I’ve been hanging around with my friends more, who I’m pretty loud with. I also feel that, because I was injured and would only start playing again around June, they might be more accepting of my blunders and know that I’m trying my best for my circumstances. I know I won’t get a lot of playing time, but I’ll be playing the role of the underdog, which I do best in. But what if no one wants to be my partner and I’m stuck alone? What if the lonely and self-loathing feelings come back? The coach and I don’t really  have a good relationship, and I haven’t really talked to anyone on the team other than two girls. In fact, most of the girls just stopped talking to me. Sometimes I just miss the days when the entire team were friends and I loved all of them and everyone talked to me. We could actually hang out back then.

This part of my situation is made even worse because all of my friends are in marching band. They have been trying to coerce me to do colorgaurd for years now, but it’s not that interesting to me. I have been tempted though, simply because I want to feel like I belong in an organization, where the people feel like family to me. I’ve never really had that, or haven’t had it in the longest time. I know it’s hard for me to make friends and open up, so I guess I can sort of blame myself. But that only makes this whole thing harder. My friend has suggested that I try it out, or at the least do pit crew so that I can get into shows and hang out without being in the actual performance. My little sister is thinking of doing colorgaurd…this especially hurts because she might get closer to them than me, and I’ll feel even more ostracized than I already do. Usually I’m fine with them, but during marching band season I feel like a complete outsider.

If I don’t play, I lose part of my identity. I can’t see myself doing anything but playing soccer to take up my time. I feel like I don’t really have anything else that is purely mine. I just started doing Science League this year, volunteer, and write this blog, but soccer has always been a part of me.  If  I lose that, I lose myself (and I just started to tear up, so I know this is true). I don’t know what I’d do with myself. So yes I do have some things that I could do otherwise, and maybe me stopping soccer will be the start of a new activity in my life; I have been trying to find a job. But i can’t help but wonder…would it really be the same playing by myself or with friends and just training without participating in a real team and real games?

I’ve been believing that if I train during the fall and don’t play on the high school team, I can play intramural soccer in college, or maybe even on the town’s spring team. But is that even possible? Will I still be up to standard? In the past I’ve had a barely okay training ethic, and I’m terrified that if I don’t do soccer this year I’ll lose it completely, in addition to losing one of the most important pieces of my being. I want to prove that I can come back from this injury and be better than ever. But is that even possible? My training ethic doesn’t think so.

But I love soccer so much. Can’t you strive for something you love and achieve it, no matter what the odds? That requires a lot of work, and I just don’t know if my heart is in it as much as it needs to be. Sometimes I think it is, but other times I hate everything that reminds me of soccer because it’s so painful. I almost started crying when we went to my sister’s practice to pick her up and I saw some girls I knew playing on their spring team. It reminded of the good old days of soccer, when I actually loved my team mates and felt like, if I only trained a little harder, I could be amazing. Nowadays it would take a miracle to make me an acceptable player. Do miracles happen, and would one happen to me? I have no clue.

Sometimes I think that I’m being ridiculous and want this perfect environment for playing soccer that is never going to happen; that what I should be doing is making my environment work with me. Conversely, maybe I’m trying too hard to force myself into something that used to excite me but might not be working or worth it anymore. It’s like a relationship you hate to love; you don’t know when you’re supposed to leave, or how it will affect your future. I’m terrified of making the wrong decision  and everything surrounding soccer just hurts right now. I thought writing out this blog would help me sort my feelings, but it has only made me as confused as ever.