My first heat-of-the-moment post

I have never been one to write heat-of-the-moment anything: no crazy Facebook statuses about an ex or backstabbing friend, no personal Tumblr posts other than what I have shared on here (which have been carefully edited and looked over, written in a state of calm thoughtfulness). Sometimes I text sort of heat-of-the-moment, but only to my two best friends and/or ex. So sharing a depressive, momentary flash of emotions with the random public is not something I have ever really done before.

In the past week or so, I felt I have not done anything right whatsoever. I have suffered through my own mistakes and procrastination. I have been extra anxious about going places and doing different tasks for school, college or my summer job. I have been relying heavily on my mother’s assistance, and because I have been so anxious and depressed I have begun to take my bad feelings out on her, being mean even when she is trying to help. One night I overheard her frustredly complaining to my father how stressed she is between my issues and her own, partially contributing her high blood pressure to all the stress.

I instantly felt terrible, and wrote the following on Tumblr: “i hate posts about depression that include people talking about how shitty their parents are and thats why they’re depressed because they do not feed my depression. I am not the victim, I am the problem. I take everything out on the people who love me and hurting them because it makes me feel better. I’m a terrible daughter, sister, friend. I’m surprised my parents haven’t had heart attacks from dealing with me. Maybe soon.”

A part of me almost values this transitory snapshot. It’s raw, emotional, and as much “me” as these posts that I write with a calm mind. Is there a reason I should not be posting these things? If they were about a specific person, yeah maybe. It would be an innapropriate way to deal with the situation, and issues are best dealt with through direct conversation. But these were just emotions concerning myself that I decided to express in an unedited fashion.

Is there something wrong with that?

Perhaps I should be discussing these feelings with someone rather than posting them on Tumblr (yanno, direct conversation to solve problems), but the whole cause of my depression was due to feeling like I was putting all of my issues on someone else. I suppose I could have called or texted my therapist (because that’s her job), but it was too late at night.

Or maybe we have, as a society, decided that rash displays of feeling are negative. Most people view those types of Facebook statuses as ridiculous, and some bold people even comment on said statuses and convey their derogatory opinion on emotion-sharing on social media. If you feel something negative, you are told to keep it between yourself and whomever it may concern. However, when it comes to depression, you may be the only one who is involved in the war in your mind (directly at least). So perhaps we are conditioned to bottle these emotions inside of us and not share it with others, let alone those who vaguely follow our daily lives through social media.

Am I digging too deeply into this?

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I Am Invisible

Yesterday my AP English class finished reading Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison (named after Ralph Waldo Emerson).

[Insert happy spaz attack here].

Though I started the novel pessimistic, because it seemed to me just a book about racism, as the plot progressed and the narrator learned more about himself and began to rant more and actually think about things, it was phenomenal. I completely stand by my teacher’s opinion of the book, that every high school senior should read Invisible Man. The discussion of personal identity and invisibility is important for any adolescent about to embark into the “real world”.

That last sentence of the Epilogue…I read it, read it again, and then said (out loud), “…well damn.” No spoilers in this post so I will not display the last sentence-just go read the book!

Invisible Man, because of the deep ideological issues it presents, has forced me to evaluate my own invisibility. And,  to some extent, I am invisible.

In my school, I know of quite a few people, many of which who do not personally know me. I have observed on numerous occasions that, if I sneeze in class, no one will utter the obligatory “God bless you” or whatever. Then, a few minutes later, someone else will sneeze and at least five people bless them. The only exception to this is in AP English-we only have ten students in that class, all girls, and we’re sort of like a little family.

I often will add a comment to a conversation I am having with a few people, and no one will respond to my statement or question or even acknowledge I said anything with eye contact or a small laugh or nod. This not only happens with acquaintances and semi-friends, but my own family, other than my little sister, who is a blessing to me.

In Invisible Man, the narrator, whom we called “E” because one of my teacher’s previous classes adamantly believed Invisible Man was a sort of autobiography for Ellison, believes he is invisible because white society refuses to see him. Does society refuse to see me?

I might not be so invisible after all (or maybe I’m just disillusioning myself like E). On a smaller scale, I have been recognized by my school community for academics and crap like that. I have quite a few friends and my little sister who constantly listen to me, recognize me, and love me. In Invisible Man, though E seems to have some sort of friendship with Clifton, he does not really express love for anyone. Even with Clifton, he simply relates how Clifton is a great leader.

So, is that the key to finding visibility? Love? Maybe not in society’s eyes, but I suppose to combat personal feelings of invisibility one finds those who love them.

Anyway, as far as society goes, I don’t know how to judge how invisible I am. I have never encountered anyone on a television show or movie who seems in any way similar to myself-teenage girls are usually depicted as either:

  • perfect (beautiful, athletic, smart, talented)
  • a physically big bully
  • a beautiful but stereotypical ‘mean girl’
  • beautiful but ignorant
  • a tom-boy tough girl
  • or a quiet, awkward, sometimes pretty nerd/geek

This is why novels are so superior to television and movies. The characters can actually be developed to be complex instead of just fitting one of the above stereotypes. If we are going by that standard, society, though more so pop culture, does not recognize me.

Though this novel does not count as one my 25 books of 2014 (because I had already read half of it before Christmas break), I am very pleased I had the chance to explore Invisible Man with my English class. Once again, this book is a must-read for any of my fellow high school seniors because of E’s search for a personal identity and other ideological questions proposed by the novel.

“She shouldn’t have put herself in that position”

According to http://xfinity.comcast.net/articles/sports-tennis/20130619/SWilliams-Steubenville/?cid=hero_media, Serena Williams apologized for her maybe-not-recorded-correctly statements about the rape case in Steubenville, Ohio. Recently she has been quoted in Rolling Stone magazine saying that “What was written – what I supposedly said – is insensitive and hurtful, and I by no means would say or insinuate that she was at all to blame” (comcast.net).

She has retracted her supposed statements and is reaching out to the girls family, and I’m probably ranting about an issue millions of other people are ranting about, but the statements included in the article (whether she actuallly said them or not) from Rolling Stone infuriated me. I’m taking each statement and ranting about why each opinion, which I know some people still believe in, is absolutely repulsive.

“What happened in Steubenville was a real shock for me. I was deeply saddened. For someone to be raped, and at only sixteen, is such a horrible tragedy! For both families involved – that of the rape victim and of the accused” (comcast.net).

What? What’s that last part there? It was a tragedy for the ACCUSED? So you are feeling sorry for the two disgusting vermin who raped her? Because they’re actually getting reprimanded like criminals? In my opinion, which others may not share, rapists are the lowest creatures on the earth. Murder is even better, though torture is probably equal to rape, depending on the severity. But to assault someone’s body in that way is abominable. I wish I had stronger words to use.

I understand that some cases of date rape are not considered as severe because the girl and guy start but then the girl says no in the middle of it and the guy doesn’t stop. But as soon as you say no, the partner is required to stop. There’s no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

“I’m not blaming the girl, but if you’re a 16-year-old and you’re drunk like that, your parents should teach you: Don’t take drinks from other people” (comcast.net).

First of all, if you make this statement, you ARE blaming the girl. I admit I’m conservative and deeply frown upon, for lack of a better term, “liberal” dressing, or disobeying society’s laws such as the drinking age. I’m against the whole teen party scene. But that absolutely does not give anyone the right to assault you. What the hell, how can you even justify that? You look like a slut, act like a slut and are drunk so that means I can rape you? (I apologize for my “strong” language).

“… she shouldn’t have put herself in that position, unless they slipped her something, then that’s different” (comcast.net).

What? WHAT? Okay, I admit, I don’t approve of the situation either. Drunk teens don’t mix well. But this is again blaming the girl’s own actions for the repulsive crimes of two other individuals. This case of rape is no different than if she had been sober or if they had slipped her something.

Note: This rant is not directed toward Serena Williams. I’m not calling her out, saying she was wrong because she has officially retracted her statements. But there are others who might agree with the original printed statements, and I feel the need to express my own opinion against these idiotic ideas. It’s not even an opinion-it’s just wrong.

Thank you if you’ve gotten to this point, meaning you bore through this rant that is only an echo of a million or so other minds who are outraged by cases such as this. Thanks again.

The Root of Almost Any Debate

Lately there have been a lot of debate about, well, lots of things-gun control, gay marriage, etc. And in every single instance, I believe there is always one problem at the root of every situation.

Usually, in the media, we only hear from extreme liberals and extreme conservatives, or, as my history teacher put it, “the crazies from this end and the crazies from the other end”. We could probably blame this on the media wanting the best story bla bla bla. But that’s not what I’m here to talk about.

Pretty much everyone knows how these extremes can sometimes be idiotic. For example, I watched a vlog on Utube yesterday (MrRepzion..you should look him up, some of his videos are very insightful), and took particular notice of the two religious-ish ones that I watched. One of course had to do with some lady calling gays “not human”. Now, I’m fairly certain that 99% of the population doesn’t believe that. Whether or not they believe in gay marriage, they aren’t as idiotic to say something like that. However, because this woman was Christian people tag her beliefs to the beliefs of all Christians.

I can relate for a fact that every Christian I have talked to about this issue has homosexual friends or relatives, and are perfectly fine with it. In fact, many of them are fine with the idea of gay marriage. Honestly, aren’t there so many other things we could be worrying about, like I don’t know (like seriously I don’t know) but I’m sure there are better things out there to worry about! Er how about that economy?

In all seriousness, people need to realize this game that the media plays and that a lot of what we see is the crazies and not the people in the middle who actually have rational thinking. Lately I’ve been getting sort of pissed with all these issues, not because I’m hating on the people and their opinions, because I truly believe that every is entitled to an opinion. However, I’m just getting pissed because Christians are unjustly being labeled for certain things, like any other group could be labeled. Obviously not all of us think, “Oh yeah, I’m Christian so I think all atheists and gays are going to hell.” No, it’s not like that.

And I’m sure not everyone gives us those labels. It probably is just, once again, the crazies that are making us ALL out to be terrible, zealous, unfeeling, unrational people. Though I have witnessed others speaking about Christians as such in my school and other places, and it takes a lot of self-control to not let it get me riled up. So let’s all just be happy, love each other, and blame the media =D

Thank you for listening to my little rant there.