Feeling Guilty About Getting Injured

This past week has been really sucky for me mood-wise. Whereas I usually have only a day or two of feeling depressed and unmotivated, this entire past week-from the evening of Friday the 13th to I guess now still-has been consistently morose.

I credit a part of this to the fact that I have yet another injury plaguing my attempts to become a better soccer player and obtain some playing time in the Varsity games. So far I’ve only have five minutes in one game, and in another the team was very below our level so we took an early lead and all the subs got to go in for the majority of the game.

But my back has been bothering me. The pain is on the lower right side, sort of also at the top of my butt muscle. It started hurting at Friday’s practice, and has been bothering me ever since. I played during practice Saturday, Monday, a warm up for a game I did not play in on Tuesday and the game I played a lot in on Wednesday. I technically can run and kick, but I physically cannot sprint at 100%, which upsets me because, especially in games, I don’t want to let my team down.

I also started getting upset because I thought my coach wouldn’t recognize my injury and conclude I was simply not working hard enough and being lazy, which is the opposite of what I want to do. That’s one of my only real strengths on the soccer field-working hard, and recovering. And I’ve been working on communication because I’m very quiet.

So during Thursday’s practice I told coach my back hurt, and because I had never experienced this type of pain before, she wanted me to see our athletic trainer. One question she asked surprised me; she inquired if I had been under more stress than usual lately, and I began to wonder if it had anything to do with my undiagnosed depression.

He told me to ice and rest and see how the next day-a game went. However, I knew I wouldn’t be able to play to my potential and so I told the coach during the warm up that my back hurt, and so I sat out that game. When I saw the athletic trainer again he condemned me to sit out Friday’s and Saturday’s practice, which meant I couldn’t go on the infamous Varsity 5 mile run, which I was legitimately sad about. It’s like a only-Varsity thing that I have never been a part of,  and that I was looking forward to being able to recall and say “yes, I did that”.

So while sitting in practice, I get this terrible feeling of guilt. Why does this always happen to me? Why am I the one sitting out all the time? Why doesn’t my body work the way everyone else’s does? Why can’t I handle playing soccer? Am I being a baby?

I understand that it shouldn’t be my fault, but sometimes it could be. Sometimes injuries come from not stretching or not being physically fit enough. Whenever people ask me about my back now, I’m ashamed and bashful. Like, “Please don’t look at me, I’m sorry I’m hurt”.


Goals For September

I suppose making a list of goals for September will help me accomplish them? I think that’s the general consensus. I don’t know if I have more than one goal, I actually only have one in mind at the moment haha.

One of my major goals is to just be happy. I’ve apparently been having a lot of issues with this lately. These issues have become so serious that my mom and I made a doctor’s appointment to see if I should be referred to a specialist or something. This will be occurring on September 10th, but until then I’ve got to try to rely on my own will and the help of my friends and family.

Sometimes I get that feeling where I’m like “should I even be doing this? Are my issues really that bad?”. But if the issues aren’t bad but they are making me feel this terrible, I think that means more than if the issues were serious.

I just hate that now I’ve told my mom about my issues with everything, that I essentially think I’m depressed and want help, she’s treating me differently. Of course, that’s expected, but there are two major changes in her behavior that are irking me.

First, she’s been watching me more carefully and checking up on me. When I feel fine, this just gets annoying. But even when I’m sad and (at least I think) I’m obviously not in an okay mood, she just asks if I’m okay and if I say I am, she goes away without any further concern. And I’m just like “….uh….okay….”.

Second, she’s been nicer to me. I guess I shouldn’t complain too much about it, but I feel like she’s giving me special treatment that I do not deserve, need or want.

So yeah, I can’t wait to go to the doctor. I bet if I told myself before today I’d be happy to go to a doctor I’d have laughed.

Other than that…pretty much if I’m happy, everything else falls into place. It sounds weird to say, but it’s true. As long as I’m in an average or better mood, I can focus on what I need to do to accomplish everything else. What’s been happening lately is that I’ve gotten into these moods and just bummed around. When I come out of these moods, I get angry and stressed and sometimes get sad again because I realize how I’m wasting my life being sad and procrastinating so issues that were tiny become big problems that I now need to tackle.

I do need to start eating healthy. That’s goal number 2. I’m in this state of mind where, because I suck so much at soccer compared to the other Varsity girls, I’ve started to let myself slip. I think that because I’m not good, I’m not going to get better and win a spot so why should I try to eat healthy and make that extra effort?

That’s something I need to change too. Here’s to a great month and an even better start to the school year. I have said it before, but I’ll say it again, because I’m excited for school to start: I’m going to be a senior!

And wow I just found this quote, which is great because it’s Albert Camus, you existentialist you.

“All great deeds and all great thoughts have a ridiculous beginning. Great works are often born on a street corner or in a restaurant’s revolving door” (Albert Camus).  

Feeling Optimistic

I’ve started “applying” to colleges. By “applying” I mean looking over the applications, glancing in terror at the essays I’m expected to write, and calling it a day. Someone told me that though college essays seem really daunting at first, you just need to read the prompt and, through the course of every day living, you’ll get an idea.

And guess what-it worked! And who knew that discussing how The Stranger resembles Bohemian Rhapsody with my friend at the beach and this blog would help me with my essays! So for all my fellow college-appliers out there, take the advice I was given, and simply relax-it will all come together. You know, just don’t completely procrastinate.

One of my applications has a sort of short answer section. For one question, you have to pick a novel and explain why you would be excited to discuss that book with a classmate if accepted. That’s where The Stranger and all its intrigue comes in. Personally, I think it’s creative my friend and I (well, mostly me) connected The Stranger to Bohemian Rhapsody, so I figure that is worth mentioning.

Another question for the same college asks each applicant to recount a time when they stood up against something that angered them. Since I’m somewhat afraid of direct confrontation, I thought I would never be able to recall such an event. However, don’t I rant all the time on this blog? That certainly demonstrates me expressing outrage over something and attempting to spread my opinion into the online community.

I mean…right? One of the reasons I’m throwing this out there is to see if one of you takes the time to comment and tell me my ideas are terrible (or good. That would be nice).

Thankfully I’ve got quite some time before these applications have to be finalized, though I wanted to get a nice jump on things. After September 9th, I’ll be swamped between schoolwork and soccer until early November, so expect fewer blog posts around that time.

I probably won’t go Early Decision on any school-even if it would give me an extra advantage. I’m too indecisive and if a college won’t accept me in Regular Decision, I will use my talents elsewhere (insert sassy snap here).

There are quite a few colleges I’m planning on applying to. Johns Hopkins University is probably my top choice, though Dartmouth, Wake Forest University, and University of Rochester are close behind. Of course, there’s that dream of going to Princeton, so I might as well apply there too. I’ll also be applying to some in-state places such as TCNJ and Rutgers. I’m additionally considering Gettysburg College, University of Pittsburgh, and Arcadia.

Hmm so I’ve still got some cutting back to do. All in good time I suppose.

100th Post!


This is pretty cool. I’ve been blogging for over a year, and I sincerely love having a medium to share my thoughts and written pieces. Regardless of  how many people have followed this blog or seen it, I’m proud of my work and am thankful to anyone who has ever commented, liked, followed, or encouraged me in any way.

I didn’t really have anything super special planned, just another catch up unoriginal post about what’s going on in my life right now. Lately I’ve been really sad, and the fact that I waste so much time being miserable makes me even sadder. I haven’t been blogging as much as I wanted because of such feelings.

However, today I’m taking initiative to hopefully reach out to people who can help me. I wrote this little letter to my mom for when she comes home from work, explaining how I’ve been feeling, just to let her know what’s going on.

I’ve been having relationship issues-just a lot of hoopla. Soccer has also been stressing me out, as I struggle for playing time on my school’s Varsity team. But I’m going to really put effort into trying to relax, do my best to fix these issues, and not worry so much. I just can’t help it sometimes-I’m a worry wart.

Today my parking pass also came in the mail. For my high school, seniors get the privilege of driving to school and having a parking spot reserved for them, and I finally found out what spot I have. So, naturally, I drove my butt to my school to scope out my new spot with my little sister, who is going to be a freshmen and my passenger for the school year.

The concept of being a senior is slowing creeping in as I attempt to start college applications, drive around in my parents hand me down car, and get my senior parking pass. I really want to have a spectacular last year of high school and always live up to my full potential. Even more important, I want to have fun and be happy.

Thanks again to any and all of my readers! Here’s to another 100 posts!


So one of my favorite birthday cards my dad ever got was, appropriately, about Nascar. On the front it had two hillbilly-ish looking guys and a caption saying “Ever wonder how “Nascar” got its name?”. Inside the car the two hillbillies were looking at a car and their speech bubbles said, “That’s a nas car right there.” and “Yeah, a reeeaaal nas car.”

If you were to call me a redneck or hick or hillbilly for proudly proclaiming that Nascar (and racing in general) is one of my favorite all time sports (up there with soccer, and third would be hockey), I’d thank you because I have no problem with these terms.

I don’t mind, of course, when people don’t like Nascar. It’s like how I just don’t like basketball, for my own reasons (I just find it boring); everyone deserves their own opinion. I tend to get fired up and disagree, though, when people don’t consider it a sport. “Sport” is a very general term (go look it up in a dictionary, why don’t ya?), and if it can include cheerleading, it can include racing. Though they are not the quintessential example of “athlete”, they have the second best reflexes in sports, only after baseball players. They require more mental toughness than in any other sport, considering they are in a car that can reach speeds of almost 200 miles per hour (on the fastest tracks, even on the smaller tracks its still 150 or so) for hours, under the pressure of the G forces and knowing that a single move can, at best, ruin their car and put them out of the race, at worst injure them or take their life, or hurt someone else. As the commercials like to say, “Everything else is just a game”.

Honestly, my love for the sport doesn’t have any sense to it? Why would I waste a few hours just sitting, watching cars go around in a circle again, and again, and again, and again, for 200-500 miles. Essentially, that is all Nascar is.

But is so much more. There is so much engineering and technological genius that goes into these cars, that I guess people like my dad (who is a heavy equipment (crane) mechanic) can relate to. The athletes in Nascar are the most grounded, coolest guys in all of sports.  They make a fair amount, but it is far from ridiculous. They are just typical guys who love racing and cars.

I’ve watched Nascar so intently over my childhood and teenage years that I know most of the drivers by heart, and have my little preferences and inside jokes with my dad. Chad Knaus is probably one of the smartest guys around, and my dad likes to say he could have worked for NASA or something but went to Nascar instead. Whenever they talk about Juan Pablo Montoya, my family always quotes the Princess Bride and say, “I am Juan Pablo Montoya, and you killed my father; prepare to die.” Oh and it wouldn’t be a race without Sam Hornish Jr. wrecking. I’ll even admit to my crush on Trevor Bayne (if you’re out there, I love you, WAIT FOR ME. Sorry, I’m joking of course, but I couldn’t resist).

But most importantly are the wonderful ways it has affected me personally. Nascar just makes me feel good, and relaxes me (even though sometimes the suspense of those few final races kills me). When my favorite drivers win (such as when Brad Keselowski, won the championship last season), it’s as if I just won the race.  It’s exciting.  My dad, of course, works all week and sometimes Saturdays. Nothing beats Nascar season and the assuredness that he will be there watching the race on Sunday afternoon-and I can be there alongside him. We talk and joke about the race and other things too; it’s something that just brings us together, and I will always be thankful to Nascar for the wonderful experiences it has put in my life.

So, come Sunday afternoon, I will be on my couch, probably some tortillas and salsa on the table, with my dad and dog close by, watching the first race of the 2013 season of Nascar: the Daytona 500.