It was really refreshing to wake up this morning unreasonably happy; no thoughts about anything in particular, except trying to remember the dreams I had last night. I walked over to turn my air conditioner off, and when I got to the window to turn the dial to the “Off” position, I wondered why I was so happy. It wasn’t even the kind of happy you experience on your best day with friends, or the jubilant relief that accompanies realizing a gnawing worry is resolved. It was, in the only way I can think to describe it, ignorant bliss (Clichés-1, Wiggygirl-0). I wasn’t sure why I was happy, but I was obviously enjoying it. Honestly, I have not felt that happy in weeks or months. Months. That’s a long time to not experience an emotion, let alone a fantastic one. This realization made me wonder how long it would be until I felt this strange elation again. After a few weeks of believing my depression was actually going away, I was hit by an especially depressive mood at the beginning of this week; unfortunately, I have to wonder if I brought it on myself. I had been sick after coming home from vacation at the beach, and through a mixture of not really wanting to go to work and guilt of probably spreading germs to my coworkers, I coerced myself to take Monday off. I texted my boss that morning and he told me it was fine if I didn’t come into work, and to inform him when I would be able to come back in (have I mentioned my boss is really chill?). Monday was spent sleeping a lot, browsing a variety of sites on my computer, maybe a little reading….nothing too productive, because I was attempting to relax and “get better”. However, as the day progressed and I knew I would have to go back to work the next day, I started feeling unmotivated, though not quite depressed yet. Since my boss hadn’t said “see you tomorrow”, rather telling me to contact him when I was feeling better, why shouldn’t I take another day off? Though I told myself I would see how I felt in the morning, I knew in the back of my mind my decision had already been made. Not wanting to tell my mom I was taking another day off, I decided I would wake up normal time and pretend I was going to work. I drove to the park behind my house to chill and listen to music/my anxiety tape while I waited for all my coworkers and mother to get off the roads. Then, I spent three hours driving around South Jersey with no actual destination in mind. I love driving, but this wasn’t supposed to be a leisurely escapade through main streets and lonely roads. This was foreshadowing for the lowest low I’ve felt in awhile. Flashback to last summer, when my depression went along unnoticed and untreated. I was so afraid and anxious to tell my boss that once soccer started I would not be able to work, I decided I simply would not, and instead texted him two days in a row saying I would not be coming to work that day. No explanations or excuses; I just would not be working, and in my last text I told him I would not come in again because soccer would be starting. Minus the vague text messages, I did the same thing I did this past Tuesday; I pretended to go to work but instead drove around aimlessly. When I told my best friend about what had occurred, she completely brushed it off. She didn’t get it. This was what I did when I was very depressed. I know now after talking to her she was trying to help by distracting me and discussing other topics, but I had to tell her this was not how to help me. I don’t know about other people, but when I am really depressed or upset about something, I don’t want people to distract me immediately. I don’t even necessarily want advice. What I really need and covet is sympathy and someone who will tell me it’s okay that I’m upset. I really would like someone who will ask questions; this will either show they are interested in what’s going on or it will help me look at the issue and work through it. After a similar conversation with my ex/guy friend, my depression became severe, and I’ve unfortunately spent the past few days feeling alone and melancholy. I barely talked to my friends and spent a lot of time inside my room, traversing the dark regions of Tumblr and listening to music that makes me sad. I excessively and genuinely cried for the first time in awhile. Luckily I conversed with my friends and therapist about this issue and, after this wonderful morning, am starting to feel sort of normal again. Though I know this intense change of mood is fleeting, I have some sense of hope for future happiness.
I essentially have three goals for this summer.
1) Learn “Let It Go” and other songs in German. I was torn when making class decisions for college on whether to take a) Shakespeare’s Sisters, an English seminar that I really did not need but would enjoy, or b) German 201. If I enrolled in the latter it would prevent the loss of any of my German skills by waiting to enroll in the class at another time.
I was really close to going with the English seminar, which I had my eyes on from the first time I looked at Gettysburg’s courses, but I ended up making the more rational decision and choosing German 201, which I believe I will love. I plan on taking an English course to fulfill one of the liberal arts curriculum goals, and using Introduction to Creative Writing as my arts requirement. My schedule at the moment, other than German 201, includes Math 111 (Calc 1), Bio 113 (the fall companion to an application-only research based course in the spring, Bio 114 Phage Genomics), and Chem 107 (Chemical Structure and Bonding). The schedule is pretty busy. Math 111 meets Monday thru Thursday; other than lectures, I have labs for both Bio and Chem and a German conversation/discussion once a week. However, I am very excited about all my classes.
2) Come up with at least one question to ask my Biology professor. He sent all of us (from the Bio 113 class) an email concerning general Gettysburg advising on housing, buying books, etc. He also discussed our homework over the summer, which was good, because I completely forgot about summer homework and would not have even thought to ask my other professors (which I will do now).
Finally, he said we are free to ask him whatever questions we want, whether it’s about college, our courses, or general science questions. I want to look at all the information he has sent us and ask a really good question; I’ve had issues with asking questions/asking for help in the past so I want to break that habit as soon as possible. A fresh start for college, yanno?
3) I want to speed walk as fast as my paint crew supervisor. I don’t think I have mentioned this before, but I did get the same summer job as last year, painting for the school district. He has decided to wait to name managers to see who can handle it all best, so I am not sure if I will procure this position. I am not a very take-charge type of person, which is why I am dubious of my chances. Besides, I don’t think I really want to be a manager anyway (grr stupid lacking ambition when it involves something new or taking charge).
Anyway, you do not understand this man’s speed. He does not even pump his arms-he just goes. You literally run to keep up with him or else he will turn a corner and you will not know where he went. The only way you know he is coming before he gets to you is the keys he keeps on his belt all the time jingle and jangle obnoxiously loud. You can hear him from down a hallway, which gives you just enough time to turn off any inappropriate music you may have been playing. Last year my friend’s IPod was magical. We had it set on the musicals station, and when the supervisor was not around it would play Avenue Q and Spamalot, but just before he would walk by it would play Aladdin or the Little Mermaid.
I digress. It’s good to have goals, right?
This week I had no time to blog; as much as I feel bad about not posting anything for a long time, there were occasions and to-do’s that I could not ignore.
Monday was my only semi-fee day, though I had an orthodontist appointment right after school. I spent tonight finishing an application for a special first-year “virus hunting” research course at Gettysburg as well as finishing a variety of other assignments I would not have time for later in the week.
Tuesday was a half day in school, but I attended a paint crew meeting after school. Last year I was hired, along with some of my peers, to be a part of our school’s paint crew, which (you might’ve guessed) paint the parking lots, hallways, etc. of all of the schools in the district; I will be doing the same thing again this summer. This meeting took almost three hours, but I can’t complain because we were all getting paid. We have not been told who will be the paint team managers, and I am torn between wanting to make more money by ascending to a leadership position and not wanting to have to assert myself to be in charge of a group.
After this meeting I went home and got ready for a scholarship reception dinner. I won a scholarship through my father’s union, and we were invited to attend a fancy dinner. I had a slight headache by this time, due to high temperatures that, after a cold winter, I am not quite used to yet. The food was good, the conversation, which I managed to interject into a few times, was excellent, and it was absolutely phenomenal to see all these students who had contributed so much to their community.
Wednesday after school was our Science League party. I had previously been very excited to attend, because Science League has been one of my favorite parts of high school over the past two years, and I love everyone in that club. However, we did a competition bowl, and I did not answer a single question though I knew a lot of the answers. Not only that, I was jealous of one of my peers who is incredibly intelligent and began to hate myself and feel very angry. When I came home I essentially gave up on doing anything and succumbed to sadness.
Thursday I was supposed to take a AP Chemistry test, but even if he put a 64 in the grade books (the lowest grade you can get on a test in AP Chem because of a lenient curve), I would still get a 94 overall. When given the option to skip the test, I took it. I was supposed to have an appointment with my therapist but did not have a car to drive, so we had a very short phone conference before I went to my friend’s house so she could paint my nails for prom. After that we sojourned together to Senior Awards night, where I was very happy (not jealous for once) to see everyone winning small monetary prizes for excellence in academics, athletics, extracurricular activities and community service. I received $50 as an academic award and $50 for Science League.
And…Friday was my senior prom! Half the fun was preparing for it. We had a half day of school and I went to the salon and got my hair (in the style of Elsa’s coronation from Frozen) and makeup done. We went to my friend’s house and stopped at school to get inexpensive professional pictures taken. We did not participate in Promenade, so we went back to my friend’s house and spent some time eating and watching RuPaul’s Drag Race in our prom dresses.
Then our parents all came over and we took a ton of pictures. My parents drove us to and from prom for fear of reckless and/or drunk drivers. The first hour or so was awkward picture-taking with friends. Two girls from my AP Chem class essentially attacked me when they saw me, telling me I looked beautiful and they hardly recognized me (yanno, because I never wear makeup in school and wear glasses, whereas tonight I was all dolled up and wearing contacts). The one girl actually came up to hug me and told me I could easily be the most beautiful girl there. Not to be conceited by writing about this, but I was very grateful for the compliment, which really helped my self-esteem.
I may be biased, but my friends and I were the most beautiful people there. Both of them looked like absolute goddesses. After eating we all got up to dance for two and a half hours straight; my feet did not hurt until the last half an hour of the prom, a huge accomplishment considering I wore my (albeit comfy) wedges the whole time. It was great dancing with my two best friends as well as a lot of my other friends in school. My friends and I reflected a little, on the ride home, how we were already a bit nostalgic because this was our senior prom, which would never happen again. But it was a fantastic time, and I would not have traded my prom experience for anything.
Now that this memorable week is over, I am both proud I have survived and am looking forward to whatever challenges await this week.
It has been over two years since I started this blog in my Internet and Web Page Design class. So, I’m going to do what I did on my one year blogging anniversary (blogiversary?), relating 33 ways I have changed/33 things I have done in the past year.
1. I have engaged in therapy to treat depression and anxiety.
2. I have become, not of my own will, single again.
Wow I kind of started off really depressing. I promise it will not all be that bad!
3. I attended my first All Time Low Concert, which was friggin awesome. I started listening to more alternative/alternative rock music.
4. I won a $2,500 four-year scholarship from my dad’s union.
5. I got my first summer job, which was painting buildings for the town’s school district. Basically our paint crew went to different schools and repainted hallways, rooms, cafeterias, gyms, parking lots, etc. It was a really great job, 40 hours a week, and a little bit over minimum wage. This year if I do it again I’ll be paid even more!
6. I survived AP English. That is a huge accomplishment. Not only that, but I improved my writing skills tremendously.
7. I applied to seven different colleges: I was not accepted to Dartmouth College or Johns Hopkins University (woah big surprise there), but was accepted to the University of Rochester, Gettysburg College, The College of New Jersey, Pittsburgh University, and Arcadia University.
8. We attempted to visit TCNJ but I was having an emotional low and my stomach felt bad (which could have been a side effect of the emotional low), so we ended up driving up there, driving around the campus, and coming home. We also visited Gettysburg where I got a fantastic feeling, and the University of Rochester, where I had thought I would be attending but when I got there the feeling was not right.
9. Ultimately, I decided to accept admission to Gettysburg College, and am extremely pleased with my decision.
10. I “played” soccer on the Varsity squad; in reality I was a benchwarmer, and soccer made me feel inferior and terrible about myself almost every day, so I am quite happy I will not have to deal with that pressure and negativity anymore. It was not the other players who were negative at all-they were all fantastic-it was just my own low self esteem causing itself to sink lower.
11. I received 1,000 Places to See Before You Die and have made it a life goal to visit as many of these places as possible.
12. I have gotten addicted to gaming videos on YouTube, and regularly follow everyone in Smosh Games. I have also begun watching Achievement Hunter, including Red vs. Blue. I am currently about to start the fifth season.
13. I have also become obsessed with vlogs, some of them including WatchUsLiveandStuff and MostlyMelanie, to the point where during my day I narrate my life as if I am doing a vlog. I have been considering how I would feel vlogging versus blogging. Should I try it? I do not know if I have the right presentation skills or technology, but maybe I can upgrade my camera before college and try it.
14. I survived 18 years on this planet. That also means I upgraded my license and can drive more than one person at a time.
15. For the NHS induction ceremony this year, the teacher I nominated to speak at the ceremony, my AP English teacher, was chosen. Subsequently, I was given the opportunity to write an introduction for her and speak at the ceremony, which made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside because she is such an important mentor for me.
16. I lost my Mommom (my dad’s mom), which has been a complicated and very sad experience.
17. My ex and I came this close to winning our last Science League competition. We were only 8 points, or two questions, behind the dominant school at these competitions, and our two schools had essentially slaughtered everyone else. It was a fantastic way to end one of my favorite extracurricular activities.
18. I felt lonely, unmotivated, hateful, sad and a conglomeration of other negative emotions. I have essentially become a pessimist, which is a bit ironic or funny or whatever because I used to be the most optimistic person I knew.
19. I became a lab tech for my Chemistry teacher. Though most of the work she has given us has been menial, and the fact people always ask my ex for assistance makes me jealous still, I have thoroughly enjoyed the experience and how chill it is to hang out with the two Chemistry teachers during my SRE and lunch.
20. I saw Frozen, which was really personal for me because of the depression and anxiety Elsa experiences. We also blame Disney for promoting Frozen so much they decided to control the weather and make it the snowiest winter we’ve had in years.
21. Other than on this blog and my sister blog on Tumblr, I still do not share my writing pieces with other people. However, I have given my best friends and my ex (well, when we were together) permission to view my blog.
22. I took German IV (finally), and am so excited to pursue German as a minor in college.
23. I came this close to passing a 2100 on my SATs, but I think a 2090 excellent. Yeah this part of the list is pretty arrogant, but considering how low my self-esteem is, I hope you all will forgive it. Even though it is a worthless number that in no way gauges how smart you really are.
24. I did not attend the senior trip because my two friends did not go; I was not as upset as I thought I would be. I will get to Disney World…eventually.
25. I have decided, for the moment, I want to major in Biochemistry and Molecular Biology while minoring in German; I could possibly add a minor in Neuroscience or English.
26. I have been expanding my comfort zone as far as food goes. Previously I have been a picky eater, but I have been trying new foods whenever I get the chance, worrying most of my family to the point that they will put a hand to my forehead to see if I am feverish.
27. I unfortunately engaged in self-harm, though I have been cut-free for months now. I think that deserves a =).
28. I tried to start learning for the knowledge instead of the grade, and to ingrain information in my mind for long-term learning rather than the short-term, forget-about-it-after-the-test thing I have been doing for most of my academic life. AP Chemistry made this sentiment a lot harder.
29. I attended Black and Gold Night, in which the entire high school is separated by last name and the Black and Gold teams duke it out, first in study hall activities like Pictionary and Wii Bowling, and then on Black and Gold Night, where they have a lot of spirit and athletic competitions. And, for the first time in YEARS, Gold Team (my team) won.
30. We successfully pranked my AP English teacher on April Fool’s Day and made her believe none of us had done our homework. It was one of the most amusing events I have ever witnessed.
31. I started watching Attack on Titan. I am not sure if I am in love with it yet (I have only seen the first three episodes), but I really want to find it subbed instead of dubbed, which is all I can seem to find. I abhor dubbed; it feels weird watching anime without the emotion of the original voice actors. Plus dramatic statements in English just sound awkward to me.
32. I ate at Panera for the first time ever, and have discovered their magical macaroni and cheese. Seriously, the best macaroni and cheese I have ever had. The macaroni, which I think is just spaghetti shells, is soft and the cheese is so gooey, a small cup of that with a piece of bread is enough dinner for me (but then again, I like eating multiple small meals).
33. Though my friends circle has, I suppose, shrunk a little, I still have the best friends in the world and love them dearly. For example, I was emotionally distraught this morning and just laid around the house all day. After telling them what was wrong, they came home over my house for a quick visit to hug me and tell me I’m perfect. They are the reason I have the energy to finish this blog (and hopefully complete other tasks throughout the day).
Well, that is probably the longest list I have written in awhile, so thank you if you actually read through all of it! Happy two years, Just Me and My Thoughts, and here’s to another year of blogging awesomeness!
The summer job-an important aspect of one’s adolescence which provides experience for future jobs, another activity to report on college applications, and of course, a way to earn a little extra cash for the school year (in my case, college). However, in preparing for my summer job this year I’ve been presented with a dilemma that confounds me.
Last year I worked for my school district’s paint crew, which was a really sweet gig-the teacher running it wasn’t ridiculously strict, I got a chance to hang out with my friends, and was paid a little over minimum wage. Additionally, if I were to work there again this year, I would get paid more for being a second-year painter, and even more if I were a paint crew leader (in charge of a small group, sort of like an assistant manager).
Withal, I may have screwed up that “sweet gig” last year. At the end of summer, I was struggling immensely with my depression (I hadn’t yet talked to my parents about it, so I was not seeing a therapist). The last three days of paint crew, I was depressed because I had to tell the manager I would not be able to go to paint crew anymore because soccer was starting (I thought I had not given him enough forewarning, and was anxious and stressing out about it), so I just stayed home. I literally texted the manager that I could not go, giving no explanation as to why, and never showed up again.
I feel this might have some effect on if I’m hired again this year. He actually called me a week later to ask if I was okay, to “check up on me” (did he suspect something was wrong?) and tell me my check for the previous week would be available at the Board of Education office.
I feel like I might be able to acquire another job, but I really have no clue. I have no clue where I could work, and am painstakingly awkward and don’t know how to go about asking for a job application and interview. I understand how difficult it is to find a job, especially as a teenager in tough economic conditions.
Another opportunity for a summer job was presented through my aunt, who told me her aunt’s friend is looking for a babysitter during the summer. This would only be three days out of the week, so it might be difficult for me to find another job considering I would have to inform them I am unavailable three days out of the week. I do not know how to be a babysitter, and am nervous to accept the job.
I really don’t know if I should wait to see if I can get into the paint crew, but by then the babysitter job will probably be filled by another person. I have mused the idea of emailing the paint crew manager to a) explain why I was absent those last few days, because I was struggling with depression, b) ask about my chances in getting on paint crew and if paint crew will even run again (so far I haven’t heard anything, but I don’t remember when I applied last year), or both. Though now that I think about it, perhaps discussing my depression is too personal and would offset my chances for employment even more.
Perhaps a pros and cons list will help me make a decision?
Ugh. I hate dilemma’s so much. They are not very good for someone as indecisive as me, and it always seems no matter what I do I end up looking back on my decision with some form of regret. If anyone has any advice for me, it would be appreciated a lot!
This summer I got a job at my school doing paint crew. With my first job, I’ve already learned new things.
1) If you have a job, you will not lose track of what day it is because you will forever be wishing for Friday.
2) Gossip is gossip is gossip. It never ends. I don’t participate, but I listen, which is pretty bad in itself.
3) Even if a supervisor is rushing you, take your time and do the work right the first time. Then they’ll be more pissed later on if you have to go back and touch up all the spots you or other people missed.
4) Don’t carry wet brushes through the hallway, even if you think they’re clean. Just don’t.
5) Music is your friend. The clock isn’t. If you keep checking the time, it’ll only go by slower.
6) People you’ve never talked to before or thought you could never be friends with can be pleasant to work with. Subsequently, it can be hell to work with someone who puts you down, whether directly or indirectly. You can’t let them get to you. If they’re advice is reasonable, use it to get better and prove them wrong. If not, move on.
7) When someone is teaching you something new, PAY ATTENTION.
8) Never be afraid to ask for help or direction.
9) Water. Enough said.
10) It sucks to be a girl when the head supervisor is a sexist gym teacher.
11) It’s awesome to be a girl because the sexist gym teacher never makes the girls work outside while paying them the same amount.
12) Doing a good job pays off. Literally.
I could rant and rant and rant, but this pretty much sums up my first three days. It’s finally Friday, which is awesome; however, I won’t be one of the people sleeping in, I’ll be getting up early (ish) to workout. My workouts lately have been cut short by afternoon/evening thunderstorms, and I really need to work on my skills (such as sprints and footwork) that can only be done outside.
I’ve been having trouble at some things, because I’ve never technically done this type of paint work before, but I have to remember:
“All things are difficult before they are easy” (Thomas Fuller).
Yes, my bass-awkwards school set up the calendar so that our last day is on a Monday. So I went in school until 9:20 to take an exam then came home.
And, unfortunately, I wasted the entire day on electronics-old DS games, computer, ipod, television-and of course eating. I didn’t work out like I wanted to (though it started thunderstorming like crazy so I was sort of glad I didn’t go outside), and have been in a terrible mood. I hate making decisions but one is running like a freight train toward me, so I can’t run away.
“When your values are clear to you, making decisions becomes easier” (Roy E. Disney).
This is unfortunately what I have to do. I just don’t know if I can actually do it.
On a good note, I got a 100 on my AP Bio final, and a 94 on my English final, which means my grade for English is a 96 for the year. WOOHOO. I should probably make a list of my goals for the summer, but I honestly don’t feel like it right now (maybe later today). However, I plan to make it worthwhile.
A major thing I want to accomplish is to get ready for soccer and to do that, I’m going to need a lot of motivation and to understand that I can move on from mistakes (such as not working out one day) and improve on them the next day.
I also plan on preparing for my AP classes next year, visiting some colleges and narrowing down my college list, preparing for college applications, participating in scholarships, and, of course, hanging out with my friends. Looks like I have a sort-of list already.
I’ll also be working-first job WOOHOO. I’ll be doing paint crew for my school district, which means painting all summer. Can’t be too bad, it pays pretty good, is only for the summer, won’t conflict with soccer, and I have a few friends/acquaintances who are also doing it. The awesome part is, my parents allowed me to inherit my dad’s old car so I can drive to and from the job. My mom got a new truck, dad got the old truck, and I got the new car.
Hope everyone has a great start to summer!